What do I want for Christmas...?

To be thinner of course. Not much chance of that after today though. I ate like a starving person. BUT it was lovely to spend time with my family, there were no major dramas or tantrums, and a potentially awkward encounter with my ex at church was less stressful than it could have been, so I'm trying *really* hard to focus on those things rather than the food issue. It's hard when it's so much at the front of my mind though. Traditionally in my family my Dad reads something every year at Christmas, he's done it since as long as I can remember, anyway the story this year had in it the line "in living only to conquer, you yourself have been conquered." It made me think of this lifestyle, we try so hard to be in control of this thing but in the end it overwhelms us.
Heh, festive, I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put a downer on Christmas! It's a beautiful time of year, and I guess if there's one day out of 365 when we should be allowed to think about something else it was today. So for now let's just embrace that, and remember that tomorrow's another day.

whinge...

Thanks for your comments after that last post! It means a lot to me that people are reading this :) To answer your questions, I *think* everything we talk to personnel about is supposed to be confidential, so with a bit of luck it won’t go any further. I don’t know if she will have known which blog was mine, I know she looked at a couple of them but as far as I can recall off the top of my head, there’s nothing on here that would identify me personally (except of course for this story, in which case if she’s still reading by now it’s pretty clear who I am!) In some ways it was incredibly embarrassing, and I’m such a private person normally that it would be excruciating if she was reading something so personal, but at the same time, I wonder if this lifestyle is really something so shameful? It certainly ignites - and to a certain extent warrants - controversy, but shame? If I thought it was something to be *ashamed* of I’d have to ask myself why I maintain it.

I guess part of the reason the whole issue of eating disorders is so controversial is because, in a social climate where everyone’s becoming more health conscious, it’s kind of a farce for us to pretend this is conducive to good health! But then, nor is smoking, or driving short distances, or - whisper it, you might hurt someone’s feelings! - obesity, but no-one feels ashamed of those things, and nor would they be expected to. It seems that the lines are drawn somewhat arbitrarily designating what is and isn’t socially acceptable. Why is it okay to criticize another person’s diet, but other health issues are taboo? There are a couple people in my office with some personal hygiene problems but it would be seen as overstepping the mark if I started criticizing them for it!

Of course I could be way off base, maybe it’s not our physical wellness that’s the problem, maybe there’s something offensive about the way we think. But there’s still something inconsistent in that argument. The same people who claim that violent movies or video games have no impact on a person’s mind are the ones who are shocked that we would use thinspo to desensitize ourselves to extreme thinness. Hello?! It’s the same mental process at work, being fed with different content! And are you really telling me that an preoccupation with food and weight and everything that comes with it is more harmful to a person’s emotional state than, say, bearing a grudge, or being excessively materialistic?

The point is, we’re not stupid. I don’t think any of us would argue that this life is perfect or easy or that we ever expected to be here. But here we are nevertheless, you me and the 6 billion other flawed people in the world, and when I meet someone different, someone in perfect physical health, who has no vices, and who isn’t emotionally reliant on anything or anyone, they can feel free to criticize me or fix me as they see fit, but until then I refuse to be made to feel like I’m uniquely or disproportionately problematic or like I have something to be ashamed of.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Ohhh… :( I’ve been unbelievably arrogant and now I’m paying the price. I had to go see the personnel manager at work a little while ago; I guess they keep a closer eye than I thought on our internet use and these blogs had raised a red flag in the I.T. department. She was really nice about it, didn’t come across judgemental, just concerned - she said she’d had bulimia when she was a teenager and in hindsight she just wishes someone had pulled her up on it. And she pointed out as well that it would be pretty irresponsible of the company if they knew I had some kind of problem and they ignored it, so she’d asked I.T. to block access to blogspot.com. If this had happened 6 months ago I would have been absolutely *mortified* at being “found out”, but I’m so far past caring what anyone thinks anymore I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t admit or deny anything, just apologised for letting my personal life spill over into the realm of work and told her I understand this is something controversial that not everyone agrees with. She wanted me to “get some help” (uh, well, I was doing that until you closed down the blogs that were helping me), to which I obviously didn’t commit, just thanked her for her advice.
So I was kind of gutted that I wouldn’t be able to log on here as much - I can get online on my phone but it’s pretty slow, and I’m reluctant to put pro-ana stuff all over my Dad’s computer. But, get this; I thought I’d be okay without it!! Because apparently I like to think I’m some kind of superwoman who doesn’t have any weaknesses and can achieve things on my own. How very deluded I was. And how quickly we can be influenced by those around us! Without you guys to keep me on track, and surrounded by people who think “normal” means eating about 2000 calories a day, I became complacent and *stopped counting*!! I never knew it was possible to put on so much weight in such a short space of time. My entire body is swathed in a layer of fat; I look in the mirror and see only softness, weakness, and feel only shame.
I’m humbled to see that even while I’ve been such a failure people have been reading this - thank you so much! Your support means more to me now than ever; there’s something reassuringly familiar about reading your blogs and knowing there are other people out there who feel like this.
Back to square one. Even though I'm still officially *just* underweight I don't think I'm low enough to keep my period away this month. It feels like I'm starting all over again, right from scratch.

Edit

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” -C.S. Lewis


Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'm all wrong. I'm seeing him tomorrow evening, I don't know whether it's so he can break up in person (last night was on the phone) or so we can talk things through. I don't know what to expect, I don't know what's normal and what isn't, I don't know what's right or wrong, I don't know what I want, I don't know what he wants, I don't know if any of this is fixable. I'm so confused and I need some respite, and the thing is I know he feels the same; we're like the blind leading the blind.

Things I know:
I can't undo what's gone before
I can't redeem myself; I need him to forgive me
If I could undo everything, the good and the bad, I wouldn't
Having an argument or a stressful period doesn't mean it's all falling apart
We both want to do the right thing
God has good plans for us both, either together or apart
One way or another, this too shall pass.

"Goddamn, change of pace...

...I think you've got a piece of my heart on your face. It's a shame to let it waste; how does it taste? How does it taste?"

BF broke up with me last night out of the blue; I feel totally alone. I just feel like I'd given everything that I had and was until I was completely depleted, but everything I had and was was still found lacking and inadequate, and now I’m left completely drained of self. How to sate such a feeling? And when did I ever let myself need another person so? Such self-induced vulnerability is surely a greater psychosis than any other.

“We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as though they might teach us how not to need.” - Marya Hornbacher

But mightn't they just...?

jealous

My sister is three months pregnant and has a flatter belly than me. This is disgusting, I can't believe how little self-control I have at the moment, it's like all I do is eat :(

Broken

*sigh*... Pretty girls.

I think I’m broken. Not in the metaphorical sense, not emotionally, I mean broken like a DVD player gets broken. Some connection isn’t working properly or something. I’m barely eating, I’m exercising as much as I can given that I’m knackered all the time (normally a bunch of sit-ups and press-ups in the morning followed by a 7 ½ mile walk to work), I’ve substituted most of my coffees for green tea, hot water and lemon juice etc, and it’s JUST NOT WORKING! I don’t understand why I’ve suddenly stopped losing but it’s so discouraging.
Plus, my BF casually dropped into conversation last night that his female friend is coming over from America for a few weeks to spend Christmas with them. Credit where it’s due, she sounds like a really lovely girl, and I *know* that he’s 100% faithful to me. It’s not that I’m jealous, or feel threatened, it’s just… I don’t know. She’s a close friend of their family, and she and he have this really close bond and loads of inside jokes... I just feel so incredibly alone at the moment as it is and I’m scared that she’ll (inadvertently) squeeze me out of my own relationship. Ordinarily it’d be just the kick up the arse I need to get moving and lose some fatness, but I just don’t feel like I can try any harder.
I’m so tired, and I want so badly to pack it all in and just go back to those days when I didn’t worry about any of this, but I’m afraid that if I give it up I’ll have nothing, like peeling back layer after layer of an onion only to find that there’s nothing left.

Midas

…But all at once the door opened, and in came a little man, who said, “Good evening Mistress Miller. Why are you crying so?”“Alas,” answered the girl, “I have to spin straw into gold, and I donot know how to do it.” “What will you give me,” said the manikin, “if I do it for you?” “My necklace.” said the girl. The little man took the necklace, seated himself in front of the wheel, and whirr, whirr, whirr, three turns, and the reel was full, then he put another on, and whirr, whirr, whirr, three times round, and the second was full too. And so it went on until the morning, when all the straw was spun, and all the reels were full of gold.

-Rumpelstiltskin by the Brothers Grimm



Last night, I got home and BINGED on cookie dough and Hershey’s kisses. I hate this feeling. I hate that eating makes me hate myself so. I want to go back to when I didn't even think about this but it's too hard. As soon as I woke up this morning I knew it was just going to be one of those days when you don’t even want to get out of bed, don’t want to venture out into public and expose your fatness to everyone. It didn’t matter what I wore - everything was going to look fat. There was no point weighing myself - it was bound to be hideous. I even almost opted to get the bus instead of walking to work - I’d never burn off all those calories anyway. Then I opened the curtains, and it looked like the whole world had been spun to gold. Autumn’s in full swing; the trees look like they’ve been bear-hugged by Midas, and the ground is covered with burnished leaves. The sun was just about gilding the rooftops, the sky had been shot through with light and henna and gold… it might have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Doesn’t change the fact that I screwed up royally last night, it doesn't make me less ashamed, it certainly doesn't make me less fat, but somehow, being privy to something so breathtakingly beautiful made me feel a little - a *very* little, but just enough that I could feel it - bit less ugly. I guess today’s another day. Another chance to try again.

Armistice Day

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields. Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

by Lt. Col. John McCrae

---

30% of US troops develop serious mental health problems within 3 to 4 months of returning home. (Brooklyn Institution)

In 2002 the number of active-duty US soldiers who attempted suicide was 350. By 2007 the figure had risen to 2,100. (CNN)

300,000 children are currently thought to be serving as soldiers, guerrilla soldiers, porters, sexual slaves and suicide commandos in armed conflicts around the world. (UNICEF)

---

Sometimes I think when we're getting bogged down by our own problems / inadequacies / frustrations, it's useful to remember what some people out there are being confronted with day after day. It doesn't make our own problems disappear, but hopefully it gives some perspective.

Sad

I’m so sad that L decided to delete her blog :( I’m sure I’m not the only one who’ll miss reading it. Every day when I get into work and turn my computer on, you guys’ blogs are the first thing I look at - you inspire me :) It's probably not so wise to do it at work, seeing as they monitor our internet use, but I’d rather people here know than people at home; my parents have been through enough this year and it would just break their hearts if they got back from Canada and this stuff was all over the family computer.

So, the weekend was lots of fun, I got to hang out with some really great people and also relax a little with my BF which was lovely. Things have been a little stressed between us lately so it was nice to just have fun together. However, as expected, I ate like an absolute pig and it showed on the scales this morning :( Am trying *really* hard not to dwell on it, but I’m so disgusted with myself. Determined to get down to my STGW by the end of the week, am looking for some really great thinspo tonight and hope to get some up here soon.

Aargh!!!

Weekend is fraught with hazard! Tonight I’m going to a friend’s house with the BF to watch Dirty Dancing - she’s already planned dinner; I kid you not, without batting an eyelid, “I really fancy sausages and mash with onion gravy”! Sausages and mash??? What’s that about?! Maybe if all I had planned for the *whole* rest of the weekend was a date with the treadmill, that might be an option. And don't even get me started on the "munchies" for during the movie. *sigh…*
Saturday night is a house party at BF’s friend’s place. In all fairness I am really looking forward to that, but am desperately trying - to no avail, nobody seems to know - to find out whether there’s a sit-down meal involved (hard to avoid eating with everyone sitting together) or whether we’ll just pick at finger foods while we mingle (easy to wander round with some food on a plate for an hour or so pretending you plan to eat it).
Sunday BF and I are going to his grandparent’s for lunch - again, I’m looking forward to it, they’re lovely, but as he said (with a massive grin, bless him) “We’ll be well-fed there!” I looked at him with horror and asked what he meant; he replied “Y’know, that’s grandparents’ job - spoiling the grandchildren!” Yes. Indeed.
I know I could just opt out of one of these events, but the point of the exercise was never to become a social recluse, and what’s the point of losing weight if you never leave your house and no-one ever sees it?? Which, of course, begs the question “who are you losing for?”. Hm. A question for another day perhaps. For now I’ll just try and come up with some ways to avoid putting on about 30 pounds over the weekend…
Incidentally, if any of you aren’t familiar with the site fadingobsession.com there’s a good little section on there called “secrecy” with some useful suggestions for getting out of eating :) Come to think of it, there are a lot of good little sections actually, I'd highly recommend taking a look if you don't already!
On the plus side, it's Friday woopwoop! If I had to spend another day in this office I would literally cut out my eyes. (Isn't it annoying when people say "literally" when they clearly don't mean anything of the sort? Heh.) Bring on the weekend. Minus all the food :(

Overwhelmed

Went to bed last night feeling fat and stressed, and woke up this morning with a bizarre memory in my mind. Was anyone else fascinated as a child by the way light could shine through your hands and make them glow red? Like, if you covered the bulb of a flashlight with your hand, the light still shone red through your blood and skin.
That got me thinking about these rice bowls my mom used to have when I was a child. I don’t know exactly how they’re made, but I guess at some point during the process, grains of rice are embedded into the porcelain, and then I think the heat when it’s fired makes the rice disintegrate, and little translucent marks are left where the grains used to be. They were really beautiful and delicate; they looked almost as though they were made from lace, but when you touched them they were solid.
That’s what I want. I want to be delicate, fragile, ethereal. So gossamer-thin that even light for all its incorporeality can penetrate me. But all I see staring back from the mirror are acres and acres of flesh.
I'm tired and discouraged and I feel like a monster.

Hahaha...

*sigh*… Some “fast” that turned out to be. I copped out, not once, not twice, but EVERY SINGLE DAY. Years ago when I first failed my driving test (for driving *into* a roundabout instead of going around it, heh) I joked -- remember when it was possible to dismiss failures with a chuckle instead of becoming consumed by them? Seems unthinkable now -- that if you’re going to fail at something, you might as well fail spectacularly. That certainly applies to the last few days. Yesterday was the worst. Birthday cake??! What was that about?? Since when did bloody birthday cake feature on a fasting plan??? It was hideous. (Not the cake, more’s the pity. The binging.)
Most mornings, the only thing that can hoist my fat ass out of bed into the cold is the knowledge that a) I’m not getting any thinner lying in bed, and b) only if I get up can I weigh myself. These last few days though, even the prospect of another mind-numbing day at work is more effective at forcing me up than the prospect of stepping on the scales.
Things to be positive about:
I’m thinner today than I was a month ago.
Today is the start of a new week and the chance to work harder, be better, thinner, lighter.
This evening I’m buying some red beads after work to make an ana bracelet :)

Well...

On the plus side, yesterday continued in a pretty positive vein and it was nice to have a little respite from feeling so blah the last few weeks. On the minus side, the scales haven’t budged for about a week and by this morning I’ve had enough of waiting. I’ve obviously not been trying hard enough or I’d be getting results - only a few more pounds to my STGW; *why* the hell can’t I shift them?! It’s doing my nut. Today begins a 6-day fast. I’m not seeing anyone this evening so it’s easy not to eat, then tomorrow I’m seeing BF but it should be pretty easy to tell him to go ahead and eat and I’ll meet him after dinner. Thursday evening is home group at the church, so there’s no time for dinner anyway. …Friday might be more of a problem; I’m meant to be going to stay the night at E’s and she’s been talking about mince pies and baileys of all things… certainly not in the fast plan!! Might be easiest to just tell her I’m fasting and hope she respects it. Weekend is busy and full of different groups of people so should be easy to always claim I’ve just eaten with someone else. I figure if I fast til Sunday but keep exercising it should just keep my metabolism going enough not to screw me over completely.
If I was really hardcore I guess I’d do a water fast but I’m going to allow myself tea and coffee, sugarfree squash, water (obviously), and maybe in the evening a low calorie hot chocolate to help me sleep. I’m out of sleeping tablets and *totally* skint so can’t buy any more til after Friday (payday yay!)

Woopwoop!

Feeling really good today; *finally* out of the last few weeks' slump. Don't know what had brought it on, but I'm euphoric that it's passed (...I hope... if it's back any time soon I'm buggered cuz I really can't deal with feeling like that any more for a long while). Went to a wedding reception on Saturday night and for the first time in ages felt alright about the way I looked. I'm not "there" yet by any means, but I'm starting to feel like it's attainable and that spurs me on. I did eat a little more than I'd planned yesterday, but I try and cut myself a little slack at weekends because it's harder to plan exactly where you'll be and who you'll be with around mealtimes, and somehow when I weighed this morning it still said 103. Maybe the scales are broken haha!
New week, new beginning. I feel like it's going to be a good one, and am determined to enjoy it for as long as it lasts :)

King Canute

Closer than I’ve ever been to the double figures I’ve been chasing, but somehow not feeling the exhilaration I’d anticipated. I don’t even feel hunger anymore - can’t imagine what that says about my metabolism; it must be shot to pieces - but something is still making me restless. Maybe it was foolish to imagine that by controlling this I would feel some element of control over the rest of life. Then again, to what extent really do any of us control what goes on around and within us? I feel like King Canute trying to stop the tide coming in (negative on the endlessly flattering courtiers I’m afraid!); trying my hardest and coming up with nothing but wet feet to show for it.

The anaesthetist told me he was going to put me into the deepest, most restful sleep I was ever likely to experience - he didn’t mention it would also likely be the last. I’m so tired, I can’t concentrate at work, things with BF are hard, I don’t understand what he wants from me.

Trying to remember that it’s just a bad patch; nothing lasts forever and who knows what tomorrow holds? Maybe something amazing :)

musings

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word,
But as Thou dwell'st with Thy disciples,
Lord,Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings;
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea.
Come, Friend of sinners, thus abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile,
And though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee.
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

I want this song at my funeral.

105 this morning, but i think the loss has been largely water weight so am trying not to celebrate too early! Was forced to eat more than I’d have liked over the weekend as I was with other people, but managed to keep it to one vegetable-based meal a day, plus one bite of cinnamon toast on sunday morning and a small homemade brownie sunday afternoon - nothing I can't undo today, so all is not *totally* lost :)

Thursday

Well, went to my BF’s last night as planned; having fasted throughout the day as I’d intended to, I decided it was going to be way simpler to break the fast and pick at a bit of dinner in the evening than to concoct some elaborate excuse for not eating, so I ate some boiled green beans, the skin off my jacket potato (for the vitamins), picked a few carrots out of the stew, and obviously turned down dessert, and nobody said anything. Can’t tell if I was down this morning because his scales always put me as a couple pounds lighter than mine - which is nice, but inaccurate! I plan not to eat again until tomorrow night; we’re going to London for the evening so I’ll probably be expected to pick at some dinner, but that would only mean 2 small meals in 72 hours so I’m not too stressed.
When I got into work this morning I saw that someone had brought in a massive 1kg tin of chocolates and a couple boxes of shortbread cookies; it’s kind of fun to watch everyone eating them and know that I don’t have to :)

Today started pretty well, scales said 108 first thing in the morning. I try not to get too excited by that because I know they’ll be up about a pound by the end of the day even if I don’t eat (how does that work?!), but still, it’s on track. BF called last night and asked if I wanted to go to his after work tonight, stay the night and then get the train into work tomorrow morning. All of which I’d love to do, the obvious problem being that mealtimes around other people involve a little more accountability and creativity than mealtimes at home on my own; today is a designated fast day which I was hoping to extend til tomorrow afternoon, and staying at his overnight involves not only dinner tonight, but breakfast tomorrow morning. Breakfast is easy; everyone eats at different times so no-one’s keeping track, but at dinner they eat a family meal round the table together which is harder to avoid. I’ve gotten away before with pleading a funny tummy, pushing my food around the plate a little and only eating a few bites, but I’ve never tried skipping the meal entirely. Am toying with the idea of saying one of my colleagues is going for a blood test tomorrow and isn’t allowed to eat for 24 hours so a couple of us are fasting with her as moral support, but is it just me or does anyone else feel a little reluctant to lie about illnesses for fear of jinxing themselves?!

Mixed results...

As the title suggests, I had mixed results this weekend. Down to 109 after being fairly strict with myself all week and throughout Saturday which is usually the hardest day for me to stay on track, but had Sunday lunch at the BF’s house with his parents and grandparents, and my brother. Managed to avoid the roast potatoes, opting instead for plenty of boiled / roasted veg, and took a stuffed chicken breast but pulled out all the stuffing and left it, and only ate half the breast meat. My real downfall at his house is dessert though - I have such a sweet tooth at the best of times, and his mom is an *amazing* cook, she’s always just baked a cake, or a fruit crumble, or a pie… This week was almond sponge. Luckily, his dad doesn’t eat ANY sugar, so I got away with a sliver of cake and some of the baked fruit sprinkled with splenda that his dad was having. So far so good. After lunch however, the BF and I went to take the dog out for a walk, and we also wanted to talk through some of the things that had been bothering us both about the relationship. It was really good to talk things through, I felt free to speak my mind for the first time, and he totally calmed my misgivings about being myself around him. I left the conversation feeling loved just the way I was, and… you guessed it, helped myself to a bowl of fruit crumble when we got home.
Wouldn’t have been the end of the world, emotionally, except that later in the evening I casually mentioned an event that his work is hosting next week, and he informed me that he’d found out on Friday (Friday?! That was 3 days ago!) that it involved him going away for three days with 2 of his female colleagues and a bunch of agency girls (read - models) whose job it is to look perfect and prance around promoting the product. In his defence, he hasn’t been very well, and he did have a lot of other things on his mind that he wanted to talk to me about over the weekend, so I can’t really hold it against him that it was only when I asked about it that he thought to mention this trip. It’s not even that I think he’s going to cheat on me - I trust him completely - but none of those girls can possibly be bigger than a size 6 (uk) and I’m just so jealous that they’ve achieved something that I want so bad and are flaunting it in front of my BF!! Desperately wanted to purge everything I’d eaten that day, but so much time had passed it wouldn’t have done any good. Instead I walked 8 miles both yesterday and today, as well as doing my normal sit-ups and strength training. I hope to get on the exercise bike when I get home tonight too. I only managed to restrict to about 600 yesterday though, which is enough to send me into a blind panic, but have stayed under 300 today thanks to lots of sugar-free gum and diet coke.
I really, really need to be down to 105 by the time he gets back on the 22nd.

one step forward, two steps back?

Yesterday the BF and I each had our respective interviews for church membership, after which we met for a drink. He wanted to talk about S; it had been bothering him that he’d called me on Monday. I understand where he’s coming from, and I don’t think he’s being unreasonable - he didn’t ask me to cut off contact with him or anything, although I offered. He did however want to look through my call register, presumably to check I was being honest about who calls me and when. I don’t really have a problem with that, I know I forfeited my right to privacy earlier in the year, and I know I haven’t earned back everyone’s trust completely yet. Although I don’t resent having to relinquish control over who I see and am friends with, or where I go, or how I get to work, it does push me closer towards Ana, which both excites and scares me. I never used to understand when I heard other girls saying Ana allows them to regain a sense of control when the normal avenues of independence and decision-making aren’t an option, but now it makes perfect sense to me. He doesn’t like me taking the long, isolated walk to work in the mornings now that it’s getting darker, but I refuse to give it up. I want to explain to him that it’s only because I’m allowed this one last area of control that I’m able to surrender everything else to him, and that if he takes this away from me I’ll take everything else back from him, but I know it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. He did question why I’m so hung up on what I eat and how much I exercise when “you don’t need to; you’re one of the thinnest people I know”, but I told him “when have I ever done something because I *need* to, based on other people’s standards? I do things that I *want* to do, based on the things that make sense to me.” I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but it’s important to me.” and it seemed to suffice. I did end up pushing him away a bit which made me feel bad, but the upside of that of course is that the worse I feel about being so hopelessly emotionally defunct, the more determined I am to achieve perfection where it’s attainable.
By noon today I’ve had a plum, half a 60 calorie packet soup, and two black coffees, and walked 8 miles to work. Am trying to stay under 200.

First post!

I’d start at the beginning, if I knew where that was! I only know that 2008 has been filled to bursting with joys and sorrows, anger, heartbreak, beauty, loss and gain. At the point where this chapter picks up, I was trying to leave an abusive relationship in which I’d aborted a child I yearned for, and with whom I longed to be - in heaven or in hell. I moved home for a new start and met a man who was and remains unlike anyone else I’ve met, only for my ex to turn up outside my office one evening. By the time the police found me, barefoot and hysterical, trying to jump onto the railway track to join the baby, he’d beaten me and dragged me down a staircase by my hair. There ensued months of death threats, police interviews, revelations and, humblingly, deep, unwavering wellsprings of grace and forgiveness from my family and boyfriend for having deceived them about my past. Even so, once you’ve lost someone’s trust it’s a slow, hard slog to earn it back, and though I’ve received love in undeserved measure, I’ve also forfeited - to a certain extent - my right to privacy and control. But just when I thought I was also losing my mind, Ana crept up so gently to embrace me, confused and unstable as I was, that I didn’t question it.

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After getting down to 110 last week and my previously tight trousers feeling loose around the waistband, I binged all weekend, including a bloody pig roast and bring-an-apple-pie lunch event at church on Sunday. Not that that’s any excuse, I was home alone on Saturday and therefore had zero reason to eat but started off with a bowl of cereal (my *biggest* weakness, I can’t have just one bowl) and it was downhill from there. I should have done some exercise on Saturday too but did nothing but housework, telling myself that “this needs to be done, and it’s still burning calories!” …yes… maybe, but not half as many as would be burned by going for a run. Back up to 114 this morning - most depressed I’ve been in weeks. Walked 5 miles yesterday, meant to do 8 this morning but opted for the extra 20 minutes in bed instead and only walked 5 again. If I’d known what the scales were going to say when I got up I might not have been such a lazy cow *sigh*.
Still, Thursday is my first session with Wendy, the psychologist, about the baby. When I first set it up I thought it was a good idea, but the closer it gets, the more hideous it sounds. I’m shitting myself about the lack of control that comes with “sharing your feelings” but the silver lining is reflected in my being extra control-freakish about my food, which will hopefully translate to the scales by the end of the week. I’d like to be back to 110 by Friday, I know that’s only back to Square 1, with no advance on last week, but I think it would be setting myself up for failure to aim for less than that, and the way I feel at the moment I don’t think I could deal with failing. By the end of lunchtime today I was up to 270 cals, not including a caramel shortcake that I couldn’t resist tasting, but chewed and spat out. I’m always a little wary of doing that; I’ve heard conflicting points of view as to whether you already absorb some of the sugar calories in your saliva before you spit it out, but I figure it’s got to be better than swallowing or even purging, right? At the very least it can’t be worse.