Wednesday, 26 August 2009

A little boredom

Bored at work today, devised a new game. Anything I eat has a minimum time limit assigned to it, so an apple has to last me at least 45 minutes, a fat free yoghurt 75 minutes, a stick of celery 30 minutes etc. I can feel (and, more importantly, look) as though I'm always eating, without racking up more than about 200 calories.

Thats 200 calories *in theory* Today I'm pretty sure I hit 1,000, greedy cow. Partly I'm blaming my Mom - I was at 350 already by the time I left the house since she prepared and dished up fruit salad with yoghurt and muesli for breakfast. I just can't bring myself to refuse to eat it, knowing that she's woken up about 2 hours earlier than she needs to, to get it for me. I don't ask her to do this though. *sigh*

Today I weigh 132lb.

Fat fat fat. I can't lose it fast enough.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Oh Lord...

Somehow, I only remembered the thinness from last year. I didn't remember the levels to which one can loath oneself; to which one must loath oneself to achieve that thinness.

I'm furious with everyone who told me it would be okay -necessary even! - to put on weight. I'm furious with every man who's ever voted for "self confidence" in those "What's a woman's sexiest feature?" polls in womens' magazines. Ultimately though, I'm furious with myself for believing any of it. This time last month I was so happy with myself. I don't think I was particularly arrogant, I didn't think I was gorgeous or anything, I was just loving being a woman, and looking like a woman. Today I can't even look down at myself in the shower. If self-confidence was the sexiest feature, being thinner wouldn't have made me perfect to BF. Being confident would have. It's not even been two weeks and I've already forgotten what confident feels like.

Marya Hornbacher says you have to be a diametric thinker to live this life, and I suppose I can see the truth in that. There's no middle ground - either total acceptance of yourself or total hatred. I don't understand how I *ever* saw this in the mirror and thought it was remotely okay!! I must have been fat for months and been oblivious. There can't possibly anyone who looks at me and sees past this mass of flesh. Everyone who looks at me is wondering how I've got the nerve to come out in public looking like this. Suddenly, I'm one of those girls who "would be really pretty if only she was thinner", and I feel so ashamed. So giant and so small all at the same time.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I know to anyone who's never been disordered I sound like a crazy person, narcissistic and affected, attention-seeking. That's the worst label of them all. How can you be an attention-seeker when all you want is to disappear? But it means the absolute world to me that there are other girls and guys out there having the same thoughts, with the same intensity.

Every day we're getting smaller guys. We're getting there :)

Thursday, 20 August 2009

behemoth

So. The last few months have been good. I've been "normal". I've put on 2 stone. My male friends constantly complement me on having boobs and looking like a woman. I've felt reasonably attractive, as long as I don't touch the squidgy bits or look at any of my clothes from this time last year. I'm in the lower half of my healthy weight range.

On Sunday, my boyfriend and I were talking about what qualities were imortant in a partner. One of his was "it's important to me that my partner stays in shape and doesn't get fat."
"Uh... in shape?" I reply. "What kind of size did you have in mind?"
He hummed and hawed a little, then finally, "Well, when I first met you, I thought you were absolutely perfect. And then at your sister's wedding, you were so beautiful. Now... well... you're still quite pretty... But before, you were perfect."
My chest, I swear, collapsed. I hadn't felt such a tightness inside myself, tasted the bile of such panic, since ana.

On Monday I spent over an hour sitting on my bedroom floor, surrounded by clothes I was too scared to try and put on in case they didn't fit. Knowing that no amount of layers could contain this mass of flesh. Eventually I called my sister in floods of tears and she talked me into a loose dress.

I don't want to be womanly, I don't want to be healthy. I want to be little and light and lovely. How can you be so big, so solid, and feel so empty?

For a moment, I thought I might be beautiful. How did I think I could ever get away with this?

I bought some alli this afternoon (think in the US this goes by the name of the active ingredient - orlistat). Has anyone tried it? I know it doesn't work if you cut all the fat out of your diet, but I'm living back home with my parents now so it's a little harder to restrict effectively.

I guess the beauty of the ana life is that it's always there, and never too late to start again.

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Breathing

So, I'm trying not to come on here anymore. I don't want to delete the blog, because it chronicles a period of my life that fascinates me and, if I'm honest, still has a hold on me. But I do want to move away from this lifestyle - to a degree. I still want to be thin, I've been losing again (slowly) and it's such a relief. Like going back to a familiar ex boyfriend who knows how you like to be held and touched and spoken to, with whom you have loads of inside jokes and shared memories. It feels like breathing after holding your breath. I want so much to go back to being really thin, I was reading some of my old entries the other day, when I was 100 lbs, or in the high 90s, and I was so disgusted with myself for being so *giant* but now I'd give anything to get back there. Almost. I'd give almost anything. I just also really like being sane right now. I'm sleeping through the night, my mood swings are settling down, my hair's stopped falling out, people are commenting that I'm looking great, I'm not scared to death of everything in the world anymore, I haven't had a nightmare for probably 2 months, I went down a new aisle in the grocery store the other day - it was full of crisps and chocolates! Admittedly I didn't buy any, but I somehow just felt like a normal person, doing normal things like buying the food that I want rather than the food that fits into my calorie plan for the day And for a moment there, it felt so good to be normal. But as soon as the moment comes, it's gone again and I'm just another shameless fat person. What if I can't stop? What if I aim for "normal" and overshoot and hit "out of control heifer" instead?! ... I'm torn between being sane and being skinny.
Where have all the bones gone? Is this too high a price to pay to be sane? How does one satisfy "normal" without also being unexceptional? But my biggest fear, to echo Marya Hornbacher's sentiment; how do you know, if you're not aiming for perfect, whether you're good enough? What do you base your decisions on? How do you measure yourself against something that's not concrete? If you're not at least *aiming* for perfect, how do you know how good is good enough? How do you know how far you've come or how far you have to go? And it's these terrifying thoughts that keep me here, reading your blogs, checking my food labels, running to the scales in the morning.
I have to be better, more disciplined, at any cost. This can't be all that I am. Surely?

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Spitting and semantics

Today I chewed and spat 2 mint chocolate brownies, 1 ginger flapjack, 2 maple danish pastries, 6 (no, that's not a typo, it says 6) belgian waffles with chocolate spread / maple syrup / cheese / whatever else I fancied and 2 slices of toast with tuna. Reads like a fat person's shopping list doesn't it?? Oh wait, it is.

I didn't even last a month. I was just so stressed today, my friend's coming from America next weekend and we want to go hiking in the Welsh mountains. I haven't seen this guy for a couple years, and I really admire him, he's about 15 years older than me but we're very close, not in a romantic sense. He's a lawyer though, with all the qualities one needs to be succesful in his field; he's clear-thinking, and intelligent, and articulate, and organised... and I've just been so dysfunctional for as long as I can remember that I really wanted to prove to him this weekend that I was a normal fully functioning human being! But our car's broken down, and I can't afford to rent one for the weekend, public transport between London and Wales is horrendous, not to mention time-consuming, and I was just so furious with myself for screwing up, and so anxious about what to do this weekend that I went on this massive chew-spit binge... and it didn't solve a thing.

On another note, can anyone help me with this question - the other day I was crying and shrieking at my Dad that I could no longer see my bones, and he (my Dad's the most gentle, mild-mannered person you're ever likely to come across, but it must be just so hard to watch your daughter turn on herself with such venom) slammed his fists down on the table and shouted "you're not supposed to be able to see your bones!! You need some flesh!!"
But the thing that genuinely confuses me is, is there a difference between flesh and fat? I mean, are they structurally different or is it just to do with how much there is? Maybe it's flesh until it's excessive, at which point we call it fat... but that's so subjective. I don't understand how normal people assess what they look like. Bones are so clear and solid and tangible. But flesh is just so variable. I mean, how much are we supposed to have? How do you know if it's too much or too little?

Even such simple questions - what does a human being look like? - have become overwhelmingly complex recently. No-one else seems to see this fat that I see everywhere. Are they all wrong... or am I? But how can I mistrust what I see with my own eyes? Who is lying to me?

What is flesh? What is fat?
What is fat? What is thin?
Who makes these rules?

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

mirrors, bread and beastiality

positive list:

no, on second thoughts, let's start with the negatives, then we can end on a high.

negative list:
1. having been C&S free for the last 2 weeks (!!!) there've been some occasions where i would ordinarily have chewed and spat and instead have chewed and swallowed. (half a loaf of bread (bread??!! what was i thinking?! carbscarbscarbs...) in two days springs to mind...)
2. i haven't been making the most of living at the top of a steep hill and have gotten the bus a couple times. lazy cow.
3. i'm still fat. this is in all likelihood directly related to items 1. and 2.

positive list:
1. i haven't C&Sd in 2 weeks!
2. the new house has a weight bench thingy where i can do some strength training
3. it's spring time and the magazines are full of swimsuit spreads = thinspo!
4. there's a huge mirror in my room - as i don't wear much to bed i've stuck thinspo around it so that when i wake up in the morning if ever i'm tempted to skip working out the sight of my gelatinous bulk next to the beautiful people is usually enough to shock me into doing some exercise.
5. being the only person in the house means i'm at liberty to leave thinspo lying around in conspicuous places without anyone interrogating me over it.

all in all, the positives outweight the negatives so far. except of course that i'm still fat... that's a pretty big negative. but i'm working on it.

is it weird that i find my friend's pet whippet thinspirational?? it could be a new genre - animal thinspo. or is that bordering on beastiality?!

Sunday, 19 April 2009

124

124 lbs. That was the soul-destroying verdict this morning. As anticipated it's my highest ever; 30 lbs up from my lowest.
I'm trying to take something good from this - all I can come up with is the fact that now I have something solid, a real number to work from (it's called scraping the barrel, okay...?!).
This is the rough plan:
STGW (April 30) - 120 lbs
LTGW (end of May) - 108 lbs
Ultimate GW - 98 lbs
I realise I've given myself 11 days to lose 4 lbs, I just don't want to set myself up for failure and end up being demotivated.
Have a good week all, stay strong :)
xo

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Starting over

I'm sure I've hit my highest weight. I haven't weighed myself in a little while but I'm sure of it. I can't believe what I've done.
If anyone is considering telling their parents they have food issues, DON'T. It ruined me. I couldn't bear to see my Dad so sad, and the more I saw that he was pleased to see me eat, the more I ate. And when I couldn't bear to eat, I chewed and spat. No, not the odd bite of dinner. Entire fruit pies. Family packs of muffins. Sandwiches, half a tray of lasagne, those huge dairy milk bars. Carried so everyone could see, up to my room, where I leaned over my bin and gorged and spat and gorged and spat and gorged and spat. Two, three, even four times a day. C&S grabs you with the same all-consuming single-minded drive as does ana. When I was younger, my best friend and I compiled a list of how we thought we'd identify "The One" when we met him. All fairly innocent and naive; things like "you think of him when you hear love songs" or "he gives you butterflies in your tummy" (life's so simple when you're 12 haha!) - one of them, though, was "he's the first thing on your mind when you wake up in the morning". Heh, forget any man, I woke up craving something to spit out.
A week and a half ago I moved out and am living on my own. I decided this was going to be a new start for me, vowed not to bring C&S into the new house with me, and I've stuck with it and am determined to continue to stick with it.
Now I can only hope to atone for what I've ingested. I know I can get there again, but until then I carry the proof of my weakness everywhere I go. Proof to the world that I needed, that I wanted, that I caved. Flesh is like a brand, proof of failing. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself, it's been put it off long enough!
You guys were the single greatest support to me last year, it was consistently encouraging to me, knowing that you were out there, that we had the same struggles and the same aspirations. I've been catching up on some of your blogs and it's such a calming feeling to read those familiar thoughts and be reminded that I'm not alone in this.
You're all doing so well! I'm proud of you :)

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

ooops...

i stand corrected!
credit where it's due; that last post should have read 2in the infinitely cooler words of daft punk" - thanks hey.hana, i'm a little ignorant about these things sometimes :)

so... i took a massive gamble the other day, and told my parents about this. not about this blog - i think it would really hurt them to read it - but about this whole eating / anxiety / loss of control fiasco. it was a pretty teary and uncomfortable conversation, i still live with them, so they'd obviously suspected something was up for a while but i guess it was still hard to hear it confirmed. i was just so tired of constantly having to think up excuses, "i had a big lunch", "my tummy hurts", "i'm eating at a friend's house later", and i don't like lying to them either. i figure this way at least i can be honest at mealtimes "i have an eating problem, it's really hard for me to eat right now, please try to respect that" and the whole thing's less of a farce. i can't really say for sure how it'll work out long term because it's only been a couple of days, nd i actually *was* eating at a friends house so don't know how it's going to work out around the house yet, but i'll let you know...!

haven't managed to get as much exercise in this week as i'd have liked but not eaten as much as i might have either. just feeling kind of blah.

Sunday, 18 January 2009

thinspo from God :)

today in church i came across this verse from proverbs 9:13
"the woman folly is loud; she is undisciplined and without knowledge.
she sits at the doorway of her house, calling out to those who pass by,
'let all who are simple enter here...
stolen water is sweet, and food eaten in secret is delicious'
but little do they know that the dead are there;
that her guests are in the depths of the grave."

food eaten in secret is delicious? hell yeah!! but the depths of the grave? don't think i fancy that much...

this week may we stand where previously we've stumbled, and flourish where previously we've floundered. or, in the infintely cooler words of kanye west, "work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger."

but sometimes it's just so bloody difficult.

i long to be fully loved, but how, without being fully known? and how to be fully known when the very essence of yourself is invisible, hidden beneath swathes of flesh?

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

heads up

all you uk girls, this month's issue of vogue comes with a *great* catwalk minimag. even if you don't normally buy vogue (i don't either, but was looking for some new thinspo), buy it this month just for the freebie! it's like a ready-made thinspo book; every page is full of it :)

on the minus side, it did make me feel like shite because of what a complete heifer i am in comparison but i guess that's the point, right? no pain no gain.

i'm absolutely loving c&s right now, it's my saving grace while i'm stressed with home stuff. does anyone else wonder though if it's bad to get so used to the taste of sweetness in your mouth? i wonder if i shouldn't even *taste* that much sugar, in case that in itself is bad...?

hating how much i weigh, i'm disgusted and ashamed of myself. i can't lose fast enough. for the first time, i'm literally terrified of putting on weight. i've never felt so desperate before, and that scares me even more. i'm stuck between drowning in fatness and drowning in fear.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Thursday, 8 January 2009

"The pursuit of perfection then...

...is the pursuit of sweetness and light" - Matthew Arnold

Too right!

Finally losing again, and it feels *fantastic* :) It’s only a smidgen, but enough to get me back into that mindset, and, more importantly enough to remind me how good it feels to see the numbers fall instead of rise. There’s nothing like the sweet taste of success (however small!) to thinspire you is there? I know it’s going to be harder now; my parents had been abroad for the last 5 months or so, so I wasn’t accountable to anyone for what I did or didn’t eat, but now they’re back there’s no way I’m going to get away with skipping meals or only eating vegetables. But as far as I can calculate I can still restrict enough to keep losing steadily til I’m at my GW. Slow progress is still progress, right?!
Today one of my colleagues came down at lunch and asked if I fancied going to the pub with them; normally I only order a diet coke with the explanation that “I’ve been picking at things all morning” or “I’m going out for dinner tonight” but today I was *so* hungry and had the world’s biggest craving for rhubarb crumble. Standing at the bar about to place my order, I glanced over next to me and saw the thinnest girl I’ve seen in my life. Seriously, her thighs were about the size of my ankles, she was absolutely stunning. Needless to say I went with the diet coke and a guilt-free afternoon :) I’m going to have to keep a tighter handle on my cravings though, that was a little too close for comfort.

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Back to work...

It's been nice to have some time off over Christmas but I'm so ready to get back to work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing my colleagues and having some routine to my days, but mostly I'm *dying* to get back to the food routine. I've totally fallen off the wagon over Christmas and am eager to get back to where I was at the start of December. I know I can get there because I've been there before. And I know it'll be easier once I'm out of the house and don't have food within arm's reach all day long. I looked in the mirror yesterday and the word that sprang to mind was "robust" - haha, makes a nice change from "heifer" but it's all the same. Too much fat, too little bone. Come on girls and guys, 2009 can be our year!! Ever closer, ever thinner, almost perfect :)