Sunday, 10 May 2009


So, I'm trying not to come on here anymore. I don't want to delete the blog, because it chronicles a period of my life that fascinates me and, if I'm honest, still has a hold on me. But I do want to move away from this lifestyle - to a degree. I still want to be thin, I've been losing again (slowly) and it's such a relief. Like going back to a familiar ex boyfriend who knows how you like to be held and touched and spoken to, with whom you have loads of inside jokes and shared memories. It feels like breathing after holding your breath. I want so much to go back to being really thin, I was reading some of my old entries the other day, when I was 100 lbs, or in the high 90s, and I was so disgusted with myself for being so *giant* but now I'd give anything to get back there. Almost. I'd give almost anything. I just also really like being sane right now. I'm sleeping through the night, my mood swings are settling down, my hair's stopped falling out, people are commenting that I'm looking great, I'm not scared to death of everything in the world anymore, I haven't had a nightmare for probably 2 months, I went down a new aisle in the grocery store the other day - it was full of crisps and chocolates! Admittedly I didn't buy any, but I somehow just felt like a normal person, doing normal things like buying the food that I want rather than the food that fits into my calorie plan for the day And for a moment there, it felt so good to be normal. But as soon as the moment comes, it's gone again and I'm just another shameless fat person. What if I can't stop? What if I aim for "normal" and overshoot and hit "out of control heifer" instead?! ... I'm torn between being sane and being skinny.
Where have all the bones gone? Is this too high a price to pay to be sane? How does one satisfy "normal" without also being unexceptional? But my biggest fear, to echo Marya Hornbacher's sentiment; how do you know, if you're not aiming for perfect, whether you're good enough? What do you base your decisions on? How do you measure yourself against something that's not concrete? If you're not at least *aiming* for perfect, how do you know how good is good enough? How do you know how far you've come or how far you have to go? And it's these terrifying thoughts that keep me here, reading your blogs, checking my food labels, running to the scales in the morning.
I have to be better, more disciplined, at any cost. This can't be all that I am. Surely?