Wednesday, 26 August 2009

A little boredom

Bored at work today, devised a new game. Anything I eat has a minimum time limit assigned to it, so an apple has to last me at least 45 minutes, a fat free yoghurt 75 minutes, a stick of celery 30 minutes etc. I can feel (and, more importantly, look) as though I'm always eating, without racking up more than about 200 calories.

Thats 200 calories *in theory* Today I'm pretty sure I hit 1,000, greedy cow. Partly I'm blaming my Mom - I was at 350 already by the time I left the house since she prepared and dished up fruit salad with yoghurt and muesli for breakfast. I just can't bring myself to refuse to eat it, knowing that she's woken up about 2 hours earlier than she needs to, to get it for me. I don't ask her to do this though. *sigh*

Today I weigh 132lb.

Fat fat fat. I can't lose it fast enough.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Oh Lord...

Somehow, I only remembered the thinness from last year. I didn't remember the levels to which one can loath oneself; to which one must loath oneself to achieve that thinness.

I'm furious with everyone who told me it would be okay -necessary even! - to put on weight. I'm furious with every man who's ever voted for "self confidence" in those "What's a woman's sexiest feature?" polls in womens' magazines. Ultimately though, I'm furious with myself for believing any of it. This time last month I was so happy with myself. I don't think I was particularly arrogant, I didn't think I was gorgeous or anything, I was just loving being a woman, and looking like a woman. Today I can't even look down at myself in the shower. If self-confidence was the sexiest feature, being thinner wouldn't have made me perfect to BF. Being confident would have. It's not even been two weeks and I've already forgotten what confident feels like.

Marya Hornbacher says you have to be a diametric thinker to live this life, and I suppose I can see the truth in that. There's no middle ground - either total acceptance of yourself or total hatred. I don't understand how I *ever* saw this in the mirror and thought it was remotely okay!! I must have been fat for months and been oblivious. There can't possibly anyone who looks at me and sees past this mass of flesh. Everyone who looks at me is wondering how I've got the nerve to come out in public looking like this. Suddenly, I'm one of those girls who "would be really pretty if only she was thinner", and I feel so ashamed. So giant and so small all at the same time.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I know to anyone who's never been disordered I sound like a crazy person, narcissistic and affected, attention-seeking. That's the worst label of them all. How can you be an attention-seeker when all you want is to disappear? But it means the absolute world to me that there are other girls and guys out there having the same thoughts, with the same intensity.

Every day we're getting smaller guys. We're getting there :)

Thursday, 20 August 2009


So. The last few months have been good. I've been "normal". I've put on 2 stone. My male friends constantly complement me on having boobs and looking like a woman. I've felt reasonably attractive, as long as I don't touch the squidgy bits or look at any of my clothes from this time last year. I'm in the lower half of my healthy weight range.

On Sunday, my boyfriend and I were talking about what qualities were imortant in a partner. One of his was "it's important to me that my partner stays in shape and doesn't get fat."
"Uh... in shape?" I reply. "What kind of size did you have in mind?"
He hummed and hawed a little, then finally, "Well, when I first met you, I thought you were absolutely perfect. And then at your sister's wedding, you were so beautiful. Now... well... you're still quite pretty... But before, you were perfect."
My chest, I swear, collapsed. I hadn't felt such a tightness inside myself, tasted the bile of such panic, since ana.

On Monday I spent over an hour sitting on my bedroom floor, surrounded by clothes I was too scared to try and put on in case they didn't fit. Knowing that no amount of layers could contain this mass of flesh. Eventually I called my sister in floods of tears and she talked me into a loose dress.

I don't want to be womanly, I don't want to be healthy. I want to be little and light and lovely. How can you be so big, so solid, and feel so empty?

For a moment, I thought I might be beautiful. How did I think I could ever get away with this?

I bought some alli this afternoon (think in the US this goes by the name of the active ingredient - orlistat). Has anyone tried it? I know it doesn't work if you cut all the fat out of your diet, but I'm living back home with my parents now so it's a little harder to restrict effectively.

I guess the beauty of the ana life is that it's always there, and never too late to start again.