Friday, 10 October 2008

one step forward, two steps back?

Yesterday the BF and I each had our respective interviews for church membership, after which we met for a drink. He wanted to talk about S; it had been bothering him that he’d called me on Monday. I understand where he’s coming from, and I don’t think he’s being unreasonable - he didn’t ask me to cut off contact with him or anything, although I offered. He did however want to look through my call register, presumably to check I was being honest about who calls me and when. I don’t really have a problem with that, I know I forfeited my right to privacy earlier in the year, and I know I haven’t earned back everyone’s trust completely yet. Although I don’t resent having to relinquish control over who I see and am friends with, or where I go, or how I get to work, it does push me closer towards Ana, which both excites and scares me. I never used to understand when I heard other girls saying Ana allows them to regain a sense of control when the normal avenues of independence and decision-making aren’t an option, but now it makes perfect sense to me. He doesn’t like me taking the long, isolated walk to work in the mornings now that it’s getting darker, but I refuse to give it up. I want to explain to him that it’s only because I’m allowed this one last area of control that I’m able to surrender everything else to him, and that if he takes this away from me I’ll take everything else back from him, but I know it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. He did question why I’m so hung up on what I eat and how much I exercise when “you don’t need to; you’re one of the thinnest people I know”, but I told him “when have I ever done something because I *need* to, based on other people’s standards? I do things that I *want* to do, based on the things that make sense to me.” I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but it’s important to me.” and it seemed to suffice. I did end up pushing him away a bit which made me feel bad, but the upside of that of course is that the worse I feel about being so hopelessly emotionally defunct, the more determined I am to achieve perfection where it’s attainable.
By noon today I’ve had a plum, half a 60 calorie packet soup, and two black coffees, and walked 8 miles to work. Am trying to stay under 200.

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