Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Spitting and semantics

Today I chewed and spat 2 mint chocolate brownies, 1 ginger flapjack, 2 maple danish pastries, 6 (no, that's not a typo, it says 6) belgian waffles with chocolate spread / maple syrup / cheese / whatever else I fancied and 2 slices of toast with tuna. Reads like a fat person's shopping list doesn't it?? Oh wait, it is.

I didn't even last a month. I was just so stressed today, my friend's coming from America next weekend and we want to go hiking in the Welsh mountains. I haven't seen this guy for a couple years, and I really admire him, he's about 15 years older than me but we're very close, not in a romantic sense. He's a lawyer though, with all the qualities one needs to be succesful in his field; he's clear-thinking, and intelligent, and articulate, and organised... and I've just been so dysfunctional for as long as I can remember that I really wanted to prove to him this weekend that I was a normal fully functioning human being! But our car's broken down, and I can't afford to rent one for the weekend, public transport between London and Wales is horrendous, not to mention time-consuming, and I was just so furious with myself for screwing up, and so anxious about what to do this weekend that I went on this massive chew-spit binge... and it didn't solve a thing.

On another note, can anyone help me with this question - the other day I was crying and shrieking at my Dad that I could no longer see my bones, and he (my Dad's the most gentle, mild-mannered person you're ever likely to come across, but it must be just so hard to watch your daughter turn on herself with such venom) slammed his fists down on the table and shouted "you're not supposed to be able to see your bones!! You need some flesh!!"
But the thing that genuinely confuses me is, is there a difference between flesh and fat? I mean, are they structurally different or is it just to do with how much there is? Maybe it's flesh until it's excessive, at which point we call it fat... but that's so subjective. I don't understand how normal people assess what they look like. Bones are so clear and solid and tangible. But flesh is just so variable. I mean, how much are we supposed to have? How do you know if it's too much or too little?

Even such simple questions - what does a human being look like? - have become overwhelmingly complex recently. No-one else seems to see this fat that I see everywhere. Are they all wrong... or am I? But how can I mistrust what I see with my own eyes? Who is lying to me?

What is flesh? What is fat?
What is fat? What is thin?
Who makes these rules?

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

mirrors, bread and beastiality

positive list:

no, on second thoughts, let's start with the negatives, then we can end on a high.

negative list:
1. having been C&S free for the last 2 weeks (!!!) there've been some occasions where i would ordinarily have chewed and spat and instead have chewed and swallowed. (half a loaf of bread (bread??!! what was i thinking?! carbscarbscarbs...) in two days springs to mind...)
2. i haven't been making the most of living at the top of a steep hill and have gotten the bus a couple times. lazy cow.
3. i'm still fat. this is in all likelihood directly related to items 1. and 2.

positive list:
1. i haven't C&Sd in 2 weeks!
2. the new house has a weight bench thingy where i can do some strength training
3. it's spring time and the magazines are full of swimsuit spreads = thinspo!
4. there's a huge mirror in my room - as i don't wear much to bed i've stuck thinspo around it so that when i wake up in the morning if ever i'm tempted to skip working out the sight of my gelatinous bulk next to the beautiful people is usually enough to shock me into doing some exercise.
5. being the only person in the house means i'm at liberty to leave thinspo lying around in conspicuous places without anyone interrogating me over it.

all in all, the positives outweight the negatives so far. except of course that i'm still fat... that's a pretty big negative. but i'm working on it.

is it weird that i find my friend's pet whippet thinspirational?? it could be a new genre - animal thinspo. or is that bordering on beastiality?!

Sunday, 19 April 2009


124 lbs. That was the soul-destroying verdict this morning. As anticipated it's my highest ever; 30 lbs up from my lowest.
I'm trying to take something good from this - all I can come up with is the fact that now I have something solid, a real number to work from (it's called scraping the barrel, okay...?!).
This is the rough plan:
STGW (April 30) - 120 lbs
LTGW (end of May) - 108 lbs
Ultimate GW - 98 lbs
I realise I've given myself 11 days to lose 4 lbs, I just don't want to set myself up for failure and end up being demotivated.
Have a good week all, stay strong :)

Saturday, 18 April 2009

Starting over

I'm sure I've hit my highest weight. I haven't weighed myself in a little while but I'm sure of it. I can't believe what I've done.
If anyone is considering telling their parents they have food issues, DON'T. It ruined me. I couldn't bear to see my Dad so sad, and the more I saw that he was pleased to see me eat, the more I ate. And when I couldn't bear to eat, I chewed and spat. No, not the odd bite of dinner. Entire fruit pies. Family packs of muffins. Sandwiches, half a tray of lasagne, those huge dairy milk bars. Carried so everyone could see, up to my room, where I leaned over my bin and gorged and spat and gorged and spat and gorged and spat. Two, three, even four times a day. C&S grabs you with the same all-consuming single-minded drive as does ana. When I was younger, my best friend and I compiled a list of how we thought we'd identify "The One" when we met him. All fairly innocent and naive; things like "you think of him when you hear love songs" or "he gives you butterflies in your tummy" (life's so simple when you're 12 haha!) - one of them, though, was "he's the first thing on your mind when you wake up in the morning". Heh, forget any man, I woke up craving something to spit out.
A week and a half ago I moved out and am living on my own. I decided this was going to be a new start for me, vowed not to bring C&S into the new house with me, and I've stuck with it and am determined to continue to stick with it.
Now I can only hope to atone for what I've ingested. I know I can get there again, but until then I carry the proof of my weakness everywhere I go. Proof to the world that I needed, that I wanted, that I caved. Flesh is like a brand, proof of failing. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself, it's been put it off long enough!
You guys were the single greatest support to me last year, it was consistently encouraging to me, knowing that you were out there, that we had the same struggles and the same aspirations. I've been catching up on some of your blogs and it's such a calming feeling to read those familiar thoughts and be reminded that I'm not alone in this.
You're all doing so well! I'm proud of you :)