Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Ohhh… :( I’ve been unbelievably arrogant and now I’m paying the price. I had to go see the personnel manager at work a little while ago; I guess they keep a closer eye than I thought on our internet use and these blogs had raised a red flag in the I.T. department. She was really nice about it, didn’t come across judgemental, just concerned - she said she’d had bulimia when she was a teenager and in hindsight she just wishes someone had pulled her up on it. And she pointed out as well that it would be pretty irresponsible of the company if they knew I had some kind of problem and they ignored it, so she’d asked I.T. to block access to blogspot.com. If this had happened 6 months ago I would have been absolutely *mortified* at being “found out”, but I’m so far past caring what anyone thinks anymore I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t admit or deny anything, just apologised for letting my personal life spill over into the realm of work and told her I understand this is something controversial that not everyone agrees with. She wanted me to “get some help” (uh, well, I was doing that until you closed down the blogs that were helping me), to which I obviously didn’t commit, just thanked her for her advice.
So I was kind of gutted that I wouldn’t be able to log on here as much - I can get online on my phone but it’s pretty slow, and I’m reluctant to put pro-ana stuff all over my Dad’s computer. But, get this; I thought I’d be okay without it!! Because apparently I like to think I’m some kind of superwoman who doesn’t have any weaknesses and can achieve things on my own. How very deluded I was. And how quickly we can be influenced by those around us! Without you guys to keep me on track, and surrounded by people who think “normal” means eating about 2000 calories a day, I became complacent and *stopped counting*!! I never knew it was possible to put on so much weight in such a short space of time. My entire body is swathed in a layer of fat; I look in the mirror and see only softness, weakness, and feel only shame.
I’m humbled to see that even while I’ve been such a failure people have been reading this - thank you so much! Your support means more to me now than ever; there’s something reassuringly familiar about reading your blogs and knowing there are other people out there who feel like this.
Back to square one. Even though I'm still officially *just* underweight I don't think I'm low enough to keep my period away this month. It feels like I'm starting all over again, right from scratch.

4 comments:

hey.hana said...

Oh man. Oh man oh man.
that shit SUCKS. She won't tell anyone else, will she?

Well... welcome back!

xo Hana

Anna said...

oh no! i would be sooo mortified!

do you think that they will start reading your blog???

nadja said...

oh my god, i would be devastated! but you handled it really well, i admire you.

hang in there girl, and don't be too hard on yourself. after all we need to eat, too. xxx

Aya said...

that's so terrible.
this girl at my school had her blog found last year, she used her real email address though which was a little thoughtless.

everyone ripped it out of her, she had to move schools and can you imagine what that would do to someone who was suffering such low self esteem anyway? it's kind of barbaric, how teenage girls can be.

i was at my thinnest around the time but fortunately (or unfortunately, deep down) ive never been so thin that anyone would really notice... yet.

anyway i'm kickstarting a new regime with a 14 day waterfast, which i'm using this blog to track.

stay strong
a. xx