Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Spitting and semantics

Today I chewed and spat 2 mint chocolate brownies, 1 ginger flapjack, 2 maple danish pastries, 6 (no, that's not a typo, it says 6) belgian waffles with chocolate spread / maple syrup / cheese / whatever else I fancied and 2 slices of toast with tuna. Reads like a fat person's shopping list doesn't it?? Oh wait, it is.

I didn't even last a month. I was just so stressed today, my friend's coming from America next weekend and we want to go hiking in the Welsh mountains. I haven't seen this guy for a couple years, and I really admire him, he's about 15 years older than me but we're very close, not in a romantic sense. He's a lawyer though, with all the qualities one needs to be succesful in his field; he's clear-thinking, and intelligent, and articulate, and organised... and I've just been so dysfunctional for as long as I can remember that I really wanted to prove to him this weekend that I was a normal fully functioning human being! But our car's broken down, and I can't afford to rent one for the weekend, public transport between London and Wales is horrendous, not to mention time-consuming, and I was just so furious with myself for screwing up, and so anxious about what to do this weekend that I went on this massive chew-spit binge... and it didn't solve a thing.

On another note, can anyone help me with this question - the other day I was crying and shrieking at my Dad that I could no longer see my bones, and he (my Dad's the most gentle, mild-mannered person you're ever likely to come across, but it must be just so hard to watch your daughter turn on herself with such venom) slammed his fists down on the table and shouted "you're not supposed to be able to see your bones!! You need some flesh!!"
But the thing that genuinely confuses me is, is there a difference between flesh and fat? I mean, are they structurally different or is it just to do with how much there is? Maybe it's flesh until it's excessive, at which point we call it fat... but that's so subjective. I don't understand how normal people assess what they look like. Bones are so clear and solid and tangible. But flesh is just so variable. I mean, how much are we supposed to have? How do you know if it's too much or too little?

Even such simple questions - what does a human being look like? - have become overwhelmingly complex recently. No-one else seems to see this fat that I see everywhere. Are they all wrong... or am I? But how can I mistrust what I see with my own eyes? Who is lying to me?

What is flesh? What is fat?
What is fat? What is thin?
Who makes these rules?

1 comment:

nadja said...

i really really recognize myself in your words. i wish i has something more helpful to say, but i just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. <3