Thursday, 20 August 2009


So. The last few months have been good. I've been "normal". I've put on 2 stone. My male friends constantly complement me on having boobs and looking like a woman. I've felt reasonably attractive, as long as I don't touch the squidgy bits or look at any of my clothes from this time last year. I'm in the lower half of my healthy weight range.

On Sunday, my boyfriend and I were talking about what qualities were imortant in a partner. One of his was "it's important to me that my partner stays in shape and doesn't get fat."
"Uh... in shape?" I reply. "What kind of size did you have in mind?"
He hummed and hawed a little, then finally, "Well, when I first met you, I thought you were absolutely perfect. And then at your sister's wedding, you were so beautiful. Now... well... you're still quite pretty... But before, you were perfect."
My chest, I swear, collapsed. I hadn't felt such a tightness inside myself, tasted the bile of such panic, since ana.

On Monday I spent over an hour sitting on my bedroom floor, surrounded by clothes I was too scared to try and put on in case they didn't fit. Knowing that no amount of layers could contain this mass of flesh. Eventually I called my sister in floods of tears and she talked me into a loose dress.

I don't want to be womanly, I don't want to be healthy. I want to be little and light and lovely. How can you be so big, so solid, and feel so empty?

For a moment, I thought I might be beautiful. How did I think I could ever get away with this?

I bought some alli this afternoon (think in the US this goes by the name of the active ingredient - orlistat). Has anyone tried it? I know it doesn't work if you cut all the fat out of your diet, but I'm living back home with my parents now so it's a little harder to restrict effectively.

I guess the beauty of the ana life is that it's always there, and never too late to start again.


Meggy said...


all i can say is

been there, and know how you feel. and it sucks.
i hope things look up.

is there anything i can really even say or think of to make you feel better? no, not really. but i feel you, youre not alone.

i hope that helps, hun.

do whats right , and not for your male friends or boy friend, but YOU.

do what YOU want to do, no outside help. listen to your own mind, not the media.


Stick Thin said...

I'm sorry :( I know how that goes as well...maybe different situation, but same feelings. I date the skinniest guys and I am never secure, never perfect.

But i agree with meggy. do whatever you want to do for yourself. Not for anyone else