Saturday, 18 April 2009

Starting over

I'm sure I've hit my highest weight. I haven't weighed myself in a little while but I'm sure of it. I can't believe what I've done.
If anyone is considering telling their parents they have food issues, DON'T. It ruined me. I couldn't bear to see my Dad so sad, and the more I saw that he was pleased to see me eat, the more I ate. And when I couldn't bear to eat, I chewed and spat. No, not the odd bite of dinner. Entire fruit pies. Family packs of muffins. Sandwiches, half a tray of lasagne, those huge dairy milk bars. Carried so everyone could see, up to my room, where I leaned over my bin and gorged and spat and gorged and spat and gorged and spat. Two, three, even four times a day. C&S grabs you with the same all-consuming single-minded drive as does ana. When I was younger, my best friend and I compiled a list of how we thought we'd identify "The One" when we met him. All fairly innocent and naive; things like "you think of him when you hear love songs" or "he gives you butterflies in your tummy" (life's so simple when you're 12 haha!) - one of them, though, was "he's the first thing on your mind when you wake up in the morning". Heh, forget any man, I woke up craving something to spit out.
A week and a half ago I moved out and am living on my own. I decided this was going to be a new start for me, vowed not to bring C&S into the new house with me, and I've stuck with it and am determined to continue to stick with it.
Now I can only hope to atone for what I've ingested. I know I can get there again, but until then I carry the proof of my weakness everywhere I go. Proof to the world that I needed, that I wanted, that I caved. Flesh is like a brand, proof of failing. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself, it's been put it off long enough!
You guys were the single greatest support to me last year, it was consistently encouraging to me, knowing that you were out there, that we had the same struggles and the same aspirations. I've been catching up on some of your blogs and it's such a calming feeling to read those familiar thoughts and be reminded that I'm not alone in this.
You're all doing so well! I'm proud of you :)


RayRay said...

Hey! You're back! Good luck in the new place.

Rachael said...

I know how you feel aboout your parents knowing it's horrible seeing parents being worried. I told my mum a year ago and I am still in therapy it's so annoying as I am still determinde to lose weight but i've figured out how to trick them all now.