Tuesday, 25 August 2009

Oh Lord...

Somehow, I only remembered the thinness from last year. I didn't remember the levels to which one can loath oneself; to which one must loath oneself to achieve that thinness.

I'm furious with everyone who told me it would be okay -necessary even! - to put on weight. I'm furious with every man who's ever voted for "self confidence" in those "What's a woman's sexiest feature?" polls in womens' magazines. Ultimately though, I'm furious with myself for believing any of it. This time last month I was so happy with myself. I don't think I was particularly arrogant, I didn't think I was gorgeous or anything, I was just loving being a woman, and looking like a woman. Today I can't even look down at myself in the shower. If self-confidence was the sexiest feature, being thinner wouldn't have made me perfect to BF. Being confident would have. It's not even been two weeks and I've already forgotten what confident feels like.

Marya Hornbacher says you have to be a diametric thinker to live this life, and I suppose I can see the truth in that. There's no middle ground - either total acceptance of yourself or total hatred. I don't understand how I *ever* saw this in the mirror and thought it was remotely okay!! I must have been fat for months and been oblivious. There can't possibly anyone who looks at me and sees past this mass of flesh. Everyone who looks at me is wondering how I've got the nerve to come out in public looking like this. Suddenly, I'm one of those girls who "would be really pretty if only she was thinner", and I feel so ashamed. So giant and so small all at the same time.

Thank you to anyone who reads this. I know to anyone who's never been disordered I sound like a crazy person, narcissistic and affected, attention-seeking. That's the worst label of them all. How can you be an attention-seeker when all you want is to disappear? But it means the absolute world to me that there are other girls and guys out there having the same thoughts, with the same intensity.

Every day we're getting smaller guys. We're getting there :)

3 comments:

Stick Thin said...

Amen

People do think we do it for attention. I know I don't. I hate that I get attention for it. I wish people could just leave me alone

stay strong :)

Meggy said...

yea like we fucking want attention. i also wish i didnt get attn, and people would just leave me alone.

i know for me at least, no matter what weight im at, im not confident. when i was 96 lbs i felt gross, i always wore baggy clothes, i didnt want anyone to know how skinny and boney i was. but now, im like 115. i feel obese. im a fat cow. i hate it, but everyone keeps telling me how good i look. FUCK. OUR. LIVES. end of story. i hope you get better, just get past today.

xx

Alligator said...

Your not crazy. Reading this blog is like reading my own thoughts.