Monday, 13 June 2011

A big freak-out about olanzapine

This morning I had an appointment with the consultant psychiatrist and her trainee to follow up from the appointment I had a few weeks ago with the trainee alone. By the end of the hour they still weren't sure whether to diagnose me as bipolar or borderline personality (bit of an awkward misunderstanding about this; I was offended at their implication that I was only on the border of having a personality, that I didn't have a "real" one, and told them as much. They looked uncomfortable and told me that, no, it means your personality is borderline psychotic. Right. Thanks. Actually I preferred my interpretation, insulting or not.) so they want A to come with me to the next appointment so they can get a more rounded impression of things. I'm not sure how he's going to react to this - he has been unbelievably supportive about all of this, but I think his patience is (understandably) starting to wear thin. He says it's starting to look like an elaborate ruse, and I don't know how to explain to him that it feels like something else is living in my brain.

In any case, in the meantime they've prescribed me a course of olanzapine, a mood stabiliser and anti-psychotic. I balked a little at the word 'psychotic' (again) but ultimately I'm glad to accept any help I can get. So fine, not a problem. But when I got back to work and googled it, one of the first results was an article from the American Journal of Psychiatry associating this drug with a 58% BMI increase! 58%??! How is that even possible? Apparently the average gain is about 25 lbs. I have to get my moods under control in order to keep my marriage, and given the choice between keeping my marriage but gaining 25 lbs, or losing my marriage and staying this size or thinner, of course I'd keep my marriage. That's not even a decision; I wouldn't contemplate the other. But oh lord... that's 147 lbs.  Suddenly the weight I am now doesn't seem like the disgusting mass I thought it was. This is such a bad deal for him; he married someone relatively pretty and relatively sane, and he'll end up either with someone relatively pretty but a total basket case, or relatively sane but 147lbs. Would he still love me if I was fat but sane?


Camille said...

58% BMI increase?! WTF IS THAT?! You should ask for some Adderral (sp?). lol.

If everything the doctor is saying is going to help your marriage, then I guess it's worth it. I'm married too, so I know the pain, struggles, and things you have to give up to be able to make the marriage work. It's a fucking bitch, but isn't that what marriage is? Sacrifices?


Skinny Fat Girl said...

If you ever need anything regarding your disorder, let me know... I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was 17. I am the non-medicated type as BPD usually doesn't respond TOO well to medication, moreso therapy.

A 58%BMI increase is ridiculous! I know you'll find a way to balance it all. You seem like a very strong person! <3