Tuesday, 7 June 2011

30-Day Challenge: Days 5 and 6

Sorry for the dual post. Every spare waking moment right now is taken up with getting A's project ready, so I haven't had much time for blogger. I'm pleased that I can support him in his work, but it means that all my breaks during my own work day, and all my evenings, are spent inside either working on the computer or constructing a model for him. I don't resent that, I'm just a little discouraged that it means I'm eating junk that's easy to prepare quickly, and not exercising. I'm staying under 1,000 a day - just - but my output is low, and unless I fast today and tomorrow (which I can't - that stresses A out more than anything else I do) I'll definitely go over my 5,000 limit for the week. I'm trying not to go on a big "oh screw it, you've totally failed now anyway" binge, and concentrate my energies into as much damage control as possible, but part of me thinks there's no point.

I'm afraid that I'll always be like this. That I'll never be little and pretty and thin again. I'm torn between doing what I want and doing what's least stressful for my husband. Even things that wouldn't stress him out because he wouldn't need to know about them, like skipping lunch or purging, feel deceitful, and then I feel more guilty about being dishonest with him than I do about eating.

He said to me once when we were dating that architects tend to marry other architects, and every so often I think of that and think how much easier it would be for him if he had. I don't have any value to him outside of whether or not I'm helping him in his work - if I clean the house, it's a good thing only because it helps him focus on his work; it doesn't count as an act of love in itself. If I'm good at carrying out and writing up research, that's admirable only in as far as it enables me to help him research his project; it's not an intrinsically admirable skill. But he doesn't understand that there's no security for me in that, because I'll never be an architect - there'll always be someone else who can be more useful to him than I'll ever be.

I guess that brings me to day 5's question:

Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?
I've always wanted to lose weight. I've struggled with my weight since I was about 5, and the reasons for that have changed over time. At the moment I just want to be something else other than an architect's helper. I want to have something that I can be proud of, and I want to feel feminine. Also, if I'm honest, I'm just bored. I want a challenge, a risk, a project, something to occupy my mind all day.
  
Day 6:
Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.
Yes. Usually when I'm frustrated. Also sometimes when I'm just tired of thinking about food and weight and numbers, and I try to have a relaxed, normal approach to it all, but forget that I can't have a normal approach to anything because my brain doesn't work, so go overboard and eat everything in sight. 


I'm sorry for the big marital whine, things are just stressful at the moment, and I can't talk to A because he needs to focus on his work. So you get the brunt of it instead ;)


Other challengers, I've been following your progress and am impressed (and a little jealous!) of how well you all are doing! Keep it up :) And for everyone else, thanks for reading. I hope the week is treating you all well.

3 comments:

Gianni said...

Don't let your husband subconsciensly get under your skin. I know he meant it as a joke, but I know how husbands can be unknowingly dumb and make us think about the "what-ifs". But don't think about the what-ifs because you're here NOW and he's with YOU no matter what. You're the exception. :)

Gianni said...

subconsciously****

where the heck is my spelling?!

cannelle said...

Don't think so much about it...just relax and think thin...
He loves you and you him...just at this moment, and i think that this makes it allright...