Tuesday, 15 March 2011


Oh everything's just gone to shit at the moment. Things with A are getting worse and worse and I feel like nothing's solid anymore. Seven or eight months ago I was preparing for my wedding, too excited to sleep - I was marrying the love of my life! We spent every minute that we could together, looking forward to building our life together. We talked about how nowhere else felt like home, apart from the other person's company. And we were convinced that this was where we belonged. Now we spend our days looking elsewhere for the things we used to provide for each other, and the evenings sitting across the table from each other watching TV because we have nothing left to talk about, and then competing to hurt the other the most, before we fall into bed exhausted and lonely, to lie in silence with our backs to each other. I'm so confused; how did everything fall apart so fast?

My mom said to me yesterday, "I just don't know if dad and I did the right thing by going to Canada (they went back to my dad's hometown for 6 months in 2009) when we did. We came back and your brother seemed to have left the family, and you had turned into a skeleton; you looked like the walking dead. Where were the kids we'd left behind? And neither of you has been the same ever since." And I thought, "How did I miss that? I worked really hard to become that skeleton, and I never saw it once! i just saw this whale." But maybe if I could just get back there...

A tells me it wouldn't solve the problems in our marriage, and sometimes I believe him, but sometimes it just doesn't make sense. Maybe if I was so beautiful that he didn't need any other women. He says it's not that I'm unattractive, I've just become too familiar to him over time. So I guess I'm just not exciting enough for him anymore. Which I expected, we'd been warned about this. But I thought it would come later... after a couple years maybe. But if that's the case - that I've become boring in my familiarity - then maybe changing into something less familiar would help..?

Current BMI 19.1. It's my birthday in 23 days and I'd like to be around 18 by then. Should be entirely feasible.

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