Friday, 11 March 2011

Pieces of Imperfect

Today is a beautiful day. My second-favourite kind of day (second to those blinding summer days drenched in light and heat and salty skin and cold glasses of water). Today is sunny, but cool enough to stay the hands of any gardeners waiting on the last frost to put their seedlings out.
Normally, a day like this would be enough to turn my mind to happy schemes and bright memories. But today I just feel at odds with everything around me. A and I had a big argument this morning, the worst it's been yet. I'm pretty sure the details aren't very interesting to anyone else, so I'll leave them out, but it ended with him wrestling a kitchen knife out of my hands to try and stop me cutting myself, both of us crying and shouting obscenities at each other, and him driving me to work because he didn't trust me not to do anything dangerous in the car.
Now I'm at work, listening to Man by The Bird and The Bee, staring at my computer screen and trying to remember what it is I'm supposed to do here again. I have two red stripes on my forearm, one on my neck and one that runs from my throat to between my breasts. Seems we weren't too worried about aiming this time.
A has gone home and back to bed. He's worn out by this, and I don't blame him. I'm worried that it's all getting to be too much for him... he didn't get married expecting it to be like this; neither of us did.
I've seen so many marriages where one partner has just trampled the other into obliteration, and I'm terrified that I'm becoming that person. I just don't know how to fix anything anymore. I don't understand how everything goes so wrong sometimes, and how we're suddenly so alone.
I didn't eat breakfast, and don't have food or the car with me at work, so I get to fast, but even that doesn't feel very redemptive today. Part of me wants to get some satisfaction from the little pangs in my stomach, and part of me thinks I don't deserve that satisfaction when I've already done so much damage today.
Sorry for the downer. More upbeat thoughts next time!

1 comment:

Cinnamon Brown said...

Shit Sophie, I'm so sorry to hear that things have been so rough. I hope that you're OK and that things between you and A. get sorted soon. I'm thinking about you. All my love. <3. XXX.