Well...

On the plus side, yesterday continued in a pretty positive vein and it was nice to have a little respite from feeling so blah the last few weeks. On the minus side, the scales haven’t budged for about a week and by this morning I’ve had enough of waiting. I’ve obviously not been trying hard enough or I’d be getting results - only a few more pounds to my STGW; *why* the hell can’t I shift them?! It’s doing my nut. Today begins a 6-day fast. I’m not seeing anyone this evening so it’s easy not to eat, then tomorrow I’m seeing BF but it should be pretty easy to tell him to go ahead and eat and I’ll meet him after dinner. Thursday evening is home group at the church, so there’s no time for dinner anyway. …Friday might be more of a problem; I’m meant to be going to stay the night at E’s and she’s been talking about mince pies and baileys of all things… certainly not in the fast plan!! Might be easiest to just tell her I’m fasting and hope she respects it. Weekend is busy and full of different groups of people so should be easy to always claim I’ve just eaten with someone else. I figure if I fast til Sunday but keep exercising it should just keep my metabolism going enough not to screw me over completely.
If I was really hardcore I guess I’d do a water fast but I’m going to allow myself tea and coffee, sugarfree squash, water (obviously), and maybe in the evening a low calorie hot chocolate to help me sleep. I’m out of sleeping tablets and *totally* skint so can’t buy any more til after Friday (payday yay!)

Woopwoop!

Feeling really good today; *finally* out of the last few weeks' slump. Don't know what had brought it on, but I'm euphoric that it's passed (...I hope... if it's back any time soon I'm buggered cuz I really can't deal with feeling like that any more for a long while). Went to a wedding reception on Saturday night and for the first time in ages felt alright about the way I looked. I'm not "there" yet by any means, but I'm starting to feel like it's attainable and that spurs me on. I did eat a little more than I'd planned yesterday, but I try and cut myself a little slack at weekends because it's harder to plan exactly where you'll be and who you'll be with around mealtimes, and somehow when I weighed this morning it still said 103. Maybe the scales are broken haha!
New week, new beginning. I feel like it's going to be a good one, and am determined to enjoy it for as long as it lasts :)

King Canute

Closer than I’ve ever been to the double figures I’ve been chasing, but somehow not feeling the exhilaration I’d anticipated. I don’t even feel hunger anymore - can’t imagine what that says about my metabolism; it must be shot to pieces - but something is still making me restless. Maybe it was foolish to imagine that by controlling this I would feel some element of control over the rest of life. Then again, to what extent really do any of us control what goes on around and within us? I feel like King Canute trying to stop the tide coming in (negative on the endlessly flattering courtiers I’m afraid!); trying my hardest and coming up with nothing but wet feet to show for it.

The anaesthetist told me he was going to put me into the deepest, most restful sleep I was ever likely to experience - he didn’t mention it would also likely be the last. I’m so tired, I can’t concentrate at work, things with BF are hard, I don’t understand what he wants from me.

Trying to remember that it’s just a bad patch; nothing lasts forever and who knows what tomorrow holds? Maybe something amazing :)

musings

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word,
But as Thou dwell'st with Thy disciples,
Lord,Familiar, condescending, patient, free.
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me.

Come not in terrors, as the King of kings,
But kind and good, with healing in Thy wings;
Tears for all woes, a heart for every plea.
Come, Friend of sinners, thus abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile,
And though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee.
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

I want this song at my funeral.

105 this morning, but i think the loss has been largely water weight so am trying not to celebrate too early! Was forced to eat more than I’d have liked over the weekend as I was with other people, but managed to keep it to one vegetable-based meal a day, plus one bite of cinnamon toast on sunday morning and a small homemade brownie sunday afternoon - nothing I can't undo today, so all is not *totally* lost :)

Thursday

Well, went to my BF’s last night as planned; having fasted throughout the day as I’d intended to, I decided it was going to be way simpler to break the fast and pick at a bit of dinner in the evening than to concoct some elaborate excuse for not eating, so I ate some boiled green beans, the skin off my jacket potato (for the vitamins), picked a few carrots out of the stew, and obviously turned down dessert, and nobody said anything. Can’t tell if I was down this morning because his scales always put me as a couple pounds lighter than mine - which is nice, but inaccurate! I plan not to eat again until tomorrow night; we’re going to London for the evening so I’ll probably be expected to pick at some dinner, but that would only mean 2 small meals in 72 hours so I’m not too stressed.
When I got into work this morning I saw that someone had brought in a massive 1kg tin of chocolates and a couple boxes of shortbread cookies; it’s kind of fun to watch everyone eating them and know that I don’t have to :)

Today started pretty well, scales said 108 first thing in the morning. I try not to get too excited by that because I know they’ll be up about a pound by the end of the day even if I don’t eat (how does that work?!), but still, it’s on track. BF called last night and asked if I wanted to go to his after work tonight, stay the night and then get the train into work tomorrow morning. All of which I’d love to do, the obvious problem being that mealtimes around other people involve a little more accountability and creativity than mealtimes at home on my own; today is a designated fast day which I was hoping to extend til tomorrow afternoon, and staying at his overnight involves not only dinner tonight, but breakfast tomorrow morning. Breakfast is easy; everyone eats at different times so no-one’s keeping track, but at dinner they eat a family meal round the table together which is harder to avoid. I’ve gotten away before with pleading a funny tummy, pushing my food around the plate a little and only eating a few bites, but I’ve never tried skipping the meal entirely. Am toying with the idea of saying one of my colleagues is going for a blood test tomorrow and isn’t allowed to eat for 24 hours so a couple of us are fasting with her as moral support, but is it just me or does anyone else feel a little reluctant to lie about illnesses for fear of jinxing themselves?!

Mixed results...

As the title suggests, I had mixed results this weekend. Down to 109 after being fairly strict with myself all week and throughout Saturday which is usually the hardest day for me to stay on track, but had Sunday lunch at the BF’s house with his parents and grandparents, and my brother. Managed to avoid the roast potatoes, opting instead for plenty of boiled / roasted veg, and took a stuffed chicken breast but pulled out all the stuffing and left it, and only ate half the breast meat. My real downfall at his house is dessert though - I have such a sweet tooth at the best of times, and his mom is an *amazing* cook, she’s always just baked a cake, or a fruit crumble, or a pie… This week was almond sponge. Luckily, his dad doesn’t eat ANY sugar, so I got away with a sliver of cake and some of the baked fruit sprinkled with splenda that his dad was having. So far so good. After lunch however, the BF and I went to take the dog out for a walk, and we also wanted to talk through some of the things that had been bothering us both about the relationship. It was really good to talk things through, I felt free to speak my mind for the first time, and he totally calmed my misgivings about being myself around him. I left the conversation feeling loved just the way I was, and… you guessed it, helped myself to a bowl of fruit crumble when we got home.
Wouldn’t have been the end of the world, emotionally, except that later in the evening I casually mentioned an event that his work is hosting next week, and he informed me that he’d found out on Friday (Friday?! That was 3 days ago!) that it involved him going away for three days with 2 of his female colleagues and a bunch of agency girls (read - models) whose job it is to look perfect and prance around promoting the product. In his defence, he hasn’t been very well, and he did have a lot of other things on his mind that he wanted to talk to me about over the weekend, so I can’t really hold it against him that it was only when I asked about it that he thought to mention this trip. It’s not even that I think he’s going to cheat on me - I trust him completely - but none of those girls can possibly be bigger than a size 6 (uk) and I’m just so jealous that they’ve achieved something that I want so bad and are flaunting it in front of my BF!! Desperately wanted to purge everything I’d eaten that day, but so much time had passed it wouldn’t have done any good. Instead I walked 8 miles both yesterday and today, as well as doing my normal sit-ups and strength training. I hope to get on the exercise bike when I get home tonight too. I only managed to restrict to about 600 yesterday though, which is enough to send me into a blind panic, but have stayed under 300 today thanks to lots of sugar-free gum and diet coke.
I really, really need to be down to 105 by the time he gets back on the 22nd.

one step forward, two steps back?

Yesterday the BF and I each had our respective interviews for church membership, after which we met for a drink. He wanted to talk about S; it had been bothering him that he’d called me on Monday. I understand where he’s coming from, and I don’t think he’s being unreasonable - he didn’t ask me to cut off contact with him or anything, although I offered. He did however want to look through my call register, presumably to check I was being honest about who calls me and when. I don’t really have a problem with that, I know I forfeited my right to privacy earlier in the year, and I know I haven’t earned back everyone’s trust completely yet. Although I don’t resent having to relinquish control over who I see and am friends with, or where I go, or how I get to work, it does push me closer towards Ana, which both excites and scares me. I never used to understand when I heard other girls saying Ana allows them to regain a sense of control when the normal avenues of independence and decision-making aren’t an option, but now it makes perfect sense to me. He doesn’t like me taking the long, isolated walk to work in the mornings now that it’s getting darker, but I refuse to give it up. I want to explain to him that it’s only because I’m allowed this one last area of control that I’m able to surrender everything else to him, and that if he takes this away from me I’ll take everything else back from him, but I know it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. He did question why I’m so hung up on what I eat and how much I exercise when “you don’t need to; you’re one of the thinnest people I know”, but I told him “when have I ever done something because I *need* to, based on other people’s standards? I do things that I *want* to do, based on the things that make sense to me.” I know it doesn’t make sense to you, but it’s important to me.” and it seemed to suffice. I did end up pushing him away a bit which made me feel bad, but the upside of that of course is that the worse I feel about being so hopelessly emotionally defunct, the more determined I am to achieve perfection where it’s attainable.
By noon today I’ve had a plum, half a 60 calorie packet soup, and two black coffees, and walked 8 miles to work. Am trying to stay under 200.

First post!

I’d start at the beginning, if I knew where that was! I only know that 2008 has been filled to bursting with joys and sorrows, anger, heartbreak, beauty, loss and gain. At the point where this chapter picks up, I was trying to leave an abusive relationship in which I’d aborted a child I yearned for, and with whom I longed to be - in heaven or in hell. I moved home for a new start and met a man who was and remains unlike anyone else I’ve met, only for my ex to turn up outside my office one evening. By the time the police found me, barefoot and hysterical, trying to jump onto the railway track to join the baby, he’d beaten me and dragged me down a staircase by my hair. There ensued months of death threats, police interviews, revelations and, humblingly, deep, unwavering wellsprings of grace and forgiveness from my family and boyfriend for having deceived them about my past. Even so, once you’ve lost someone’s trust it’s a slow, hard slog to earn it back, and though I’ve received love in undeserved measure, I’ve also forfeited - to a certain extent - my right to privacy and control. But just when I thought I was also losing my mind, Ana crept up so gently to embrace me, confused and unstable as I was, that I didn’t question it.

---

After getting down to 110 last week and my previously tight trousers feeling loose around the waistband, I binged all weekend, including a bloody pig roast and bring-an-apple-pie lunch event at church on Sunday. Not that that’s any excuse, I was home alone on Saturday and therefore had zero reason to eat but started off with a bowl of cereal (my *biggest* weakness, I can’t have just one bowl) and it was downhill from there. I should have done some exercise on Saturday too but did nothing but housework, telling myself that “this needs to be done, and it’s still burning calories!” …yes… maybe, but not half as many as would be burned by going for a run. Back up to 114 this morning - most depressed I’ve been in weeks. Walked 5 miles yesterday, meant to do 8 this morning but opted for the extra 20 minutes in bed instead and only walked 5 again. If I’d known what the scales were going to say when I got up I might not have been such a lazy cow *sigh*.
Still, Thursday is my first session with Wendy, the psychologist, about the baby. When I first set it up I thought it was a good idea, but the closer it gets, the more hideous it sounds. I’m shitting myself about the lack of control that comes with “sharing your feelings” but the silver lining is reflected in my being extra control-freakish about my food, which will hopefully translate to the scales by the end of the week. I’d like to be back to 110 by Friday, I know that’s only back to Square 1, with no advance on last week, but I think it would be setting myself up for failure to aim for less than that, and the way I feel at the moment I don’t think I could deal with failing. By the end of lunchtime today I was up to 270 cals, not including a caramel shortcake that I couldn’t resist tasting, but chewed and spat out. I’m always a little wary of doing that; I’ve heard conflicting points of view as to whether you already absorb some of the sugar calories in your saliva before you spit it out, but I figure it’s got to be better than swallowing or even purging, right? At the very least it can’t be worse.