Wednesday, 5 January 2011

You're so fucking special. But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo...

Yesterday I C/S'd for the first time in, oh, I don't even know... mabe a year? Definitely at least 8 or 9 months. It was the best thing (loosely speaking; I mean, actually it's probably pretty gross...) and the worst at the same time. I'm just feeling kind of shitty at the moment.

A while ago I found out that A had gone online to look up a girl that he'd fooled around with at school and is now a topless model. And in his defence, he said he just googled her and then felt guilty when the results came up, and he closed down the window. I have an awesome husband who loves me and is faithful and wants to do what's right for our marriage. I know that, I KNOW that. And he didn't even do anything wrong; he didn't go to any of her sites, and she doesn't (as far as I know) even do any really hardcore stuff. I know a lot of women would kill for a husband with the integrity that A has; I'm not here to slate him. I myself don't even understand why it's such a big deal - I've had exes who would openly leave much harder porn around for me to find, and I didn't really care. But then, I didn't really care about the guys themselves. With A... I really wanted to make him happy. I wanted to satisfy him, to be enough, to be good enough. We've only been married a few months, and he's already bored and wanting to look elsewhere?

I know I'm overreacting. I know, I KNOW. And if someone came to me with this story I'd tell them to show a little grace for crying out loud, that everyone makes mistakes, that he stopped himself before he'd actually betrayed her, that in this day and age she was fortunate to be with someone who doesn't visit lapdancing bars or strip clubs. And I do know how lucky I am; I wouldn't change him for the world. But when he touches me all I can see is her blonde hair, perfect body, her confidence, and I'm so ashamed, of myself, not of him, that it's all I can do not to turn away from him. Maybe if it had been someone else, some nameless soulless girl whom we didn't know and on rare occasions hang out with, it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe if it hadn't been someone who's the exact opposite of me (dark hair, disproportionate body, shy) I wouldn't feel so inadequate. How can I really be what he wants when she's still so tempting to him after all these years?

Anyway, that wasn't the final trigger for the C/S - for various reasons this girl had been on my mind for a few days and I was feeling out of sorts and inadequate for a while, which I guess always opens you up to something irrational, but it was actually triggered by a series of inconsequential events - the car wouldn't start, then I was stuck behind a really slow driver, there were long queues at the grocery store, the self-scanner machine didn't work at the checkout... and I didn't even think about it, I just grabbed the stuff off the shelves and C/S'd, uncontrollaby, in the car. While I drove home. Using discarded crumpled envelopes from Christmas cards. Festive, eh? Not to mention pretty wise and safe at 60 mph. And definitely didn't make and other drivers who happened to glance in the window think I was some kind of freak.

So pissed. So PISSED! Am furious. What a screw up.

Doing a liquid fast today and tomorrow to clear my head.

1 comment:

Cinnamon Brown said...

Sounds like you an I are having the same kinda shitty day! I know that dreaded feeling of inadequacy all too well. I, too, feel like every other woman is better than me. I keep longing for the day when I don't feel defective!

Hope you feel better soon. Big love, Soph.! <3. xxx.