Wednesday, 12 January 2011

As promised...

Well, I promised a more upbeat post, and it's come in a way I hadn't expected. I'd been hoping to come online and write about how little I'd eaten recently, how much weight I'd lost, and how pumped I was as a result, but that's not quite what happened.

The post is a little out of date - I'd meant to post it on Monday morning but have been so busy that blogger has fallen by the wayside a little.

On Saturday night I went clubbing in Oxford with my brother and some of his friends, for his 21st birthday. I was a little apprehensive; being 25 and going out with a bunch of 18-20 year olds has a way of making one feel very old! But they're lovely people, very funny and easy to get on with. They're also all in great shape. I tried on about a million outfits before leaving the house to find something that didn't make me look as old as I felt, and finally wore a low-cut, silk, kimono-style top, black shorts, and high heels. And when I got there, for the first time ever, I looked around at all these young, skinny girls, and instead of feeling fat, I just felt like a woman. I did sneak an envious look, briefly, at the other girls' skinny skinny legs and perfefctly flat stomachs, then realised that they were glancing down my top in the same envious way! And suddenly I thought, "You know what? Boobs are sexy. I like having boobs! Bums are sexy. Maybe curves aren't such a bad thing on a girl!"

Don't get me wrong, I certainly wouldn't say no to a washboard stomach and upper arms I could close a finger and thumb around! But not at the expense of feeling like a woman. I still hate my little round belly, but suddenly, when I look at it I think, "It is only a little round belly, maybe it doesn't warrant this level of vitriol". At my lowest weight, I had no boobs, thin, brittle hair, dry, broken nails, constant stomach cramps, I was always cold and tired, and I was sad, because every bone in my back was apparent to everyone else but all I could see was fat. But you know where the irony is? Despite all that, I *still* had a little round belly! Not from fat, but from the constant bloating caused by a diet consisting largely of spinach, mushrooms and laxatives. And it looked all the more grotesque for being stuck on this little scrawny, grey, fuzzy body.

Somehow, though, even after all that, there's a part of me that still believes that if I went back there, this time I wouldn't be scrawny and cold and angry and fuzzy and grey; I would be toned and beautiful and happy and glamorous and golden brown with blonde hair and blue eyes (unlikely when one's natural colouring is olive-skinned with dark hair and green eyes...!). But the part of me that believes that is getting smaller, even if I myself am not.

I don't know how long this feeling will last, but I'm going to enjoy it for as long as it does.


Cinnamon Brown said...

25? Psh, still just a baby! Wait 'til you get to my age!

I dunno, I believe that being toned is just as good as skinny! Even if a girl is on the 'normal' side, BMI-wise, if she's toned, she looks skinny and therefore fit!

Best to make the most of what you have and work it, girl! You can't walk in someone else's skinny shadow, you have to cast your own!

Bet you looked hot in that outfit and got all the heads turning, you fox, you! <3. XXX.

Kat not Jas said...

^^^ Agreed. That's awesome!!!

Harnass that feeling, girl!

grantthegeek said...

Hmmm, very insightful! As a man who loves a woman, I can tell you that when I look at my love, I don't see all the things that she hates about herself. I see only beauty, elegance, sexiness and the hotness that she is. Love has a wonderful way of revealing truth. You have had good satori.

Thank you for your kind comments on my blog. Wishing you a wonderful, joyful week ahead.