Monday, 31 January 2011


Well, tomorrow I set out from Tulsa, Oklahoma, where I've been visiting my sister for the weekend, and head home to England.

It's been a very full trip. We worked hard and played hard. I learned new stuff and met new people. I took part in a couple meetings that made me really proud of what this organisation is doing in the world. I heard my little baby neice say my name for the first time. I met a lonely little girl who nobody would play with; she taught me some Spanish and I hope I taught her that she has something to offer the world.

I ate some meals, I skipped some meals, I fretted over almost every meal. But I'm pretty sure it hasn't been enough. I wanted to go home weighing 118 and I don't think I've made it. I won't know for sure until I get there, as I don't have a set of scales here, and wouldn't trust anyone else's anyway, but I'm not hopeful and am feeling pretty discouraged about it. The first week I was here, I did pretty well. I felt like my bones were more clearly defined, I could see my ribs through my back as well as my front, and my hipsbones were definitely more prominent. But I don't know if I messed too much with my metabolism or what, but this second week I feel like I've done only a little less well on the ood front, and somehow it's all piled back on. Suddenly this week all my bones are covered with fat again somehow.

I'm trying really hard to strike a balance between losing weight and keeping my friends and my sanity. Last time I was doing this I got very skinny very fast, but I also missed out on a lot of fun events, sold my personality to the devil, and lost a couple friends, a boyfriend, and almost my job along the way. This time I'd like to lose the weight without screwing up the rest of my life so badly, but I'm struggling to be as focused on not eating as I need to be, without that being to the exclusion of the people I love.

Life is going well, and I'm grateful for that. But I want to be smaller than this. It's getting kind of ridiculous.

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