Wednesday, 29 December 2010

A little bit little

That's all I want to be. Not teeny-tiny. I mean, I don't want to be so small that I'm given four weeks to live or anything. I just want to be smaller than I am now. And then smaller than I am then. Just until I'm small enough. Until I don't feel like I'm taking up more space than I warrant. Or, until I do something amazing that warrants all this space.

Tomorrow I'm going for breakfast with some old girlfriends whom I knew years ago and who have since scattered around the globe, returning every year at Christmas. We're going to one girl's parents' house to hang out in the hot tub for a while. Despite acting gleefully smug to A about having been invited (we've been joking for a little while that we need to host a party at these peoples' house so that we can use the hot tub) I'm terrified. It's been a long time since I was semi-clothed in front of anyone but him. Apart from a few hours briefly last summer, when we went swimming in a tributary of the Thames in Oxford, it's probably been a couple years.

Half of me wants so badly to see these old friends that it thinks "just go. They're your friends for heaven's sake" and half of me shrinks back in fear from the thought of being seen.

Mustn't purge, mustn't purge, mustn't purge.

1 comment:

Stick Thin said...

Just try and focus on the fun you'll have with your friends. I know it's hard, but it would be sad to not go. Good luck!