Thursday, 6 January 2011

The Tower

First off, thank you to Cinnamon Brown for understanding. So often other people seem to be in possession of some kind of supernatural confidence, and I wonder if there's something uniquely wrong with me, that I can't take hold of that same assurance. There's a lot of comfort in knowing other people have the same doubts :)

I heard a song on the radio this morning, The Tower by Vienna Teng. All her songs seem to have remarkably beautiful and insightful lyrics, but this portion in particular stood out to me today:

"She turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her,
and watches the dusk.
The words won't come.
She carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it;
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done.

Reach out
but hold back.
Where is safety?
Reach out
and hold back.
Where is the one who can change me?
Where is the one?

She says 'I need not to need...'"

Anyone else ever not sure which part of themselves is real and which is acting? And what's the difference between "acting" as a pretence and simply behaving contrary to how you feel because that's the least destructive thing to do? At what point does it become a falsehood?

I'm beginning to realise that not everybody swings from being one person to another with such abandon. Then again, equally, not everyone doesn't. (How's that for a double negative?) But there are definitely people in the world who wake up every day knowing who they're going to be that day, because it's the same person they were yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. Some people never wake up and think, "Oh God, not her. Really? Again? Can't I be that nice one that came last week?", because they don't feel like totally different people on different days! I'm not talking a bit of a mood swing from happy to sad to ambivalent. I'm talking a different person, who doesn't like the same stuff, or hold the same opinions, or believe the same things, who's not concerned about the same issues, doesn't want to dress in the same clothes or hang around the same people. I just want one final change, into someone really nice, and then no more.

Where is the one who can change me?

I'm going to write a less depressing post, really soon, honestly...


Cinnamon Brown said...

Woah, again we had the same experience! This morning I was listening to this:

I absolutely hate confident women. The sassy types who know they've got the world in the knickers. Smug cunts!

For years I thought I had M.P.D. It drove me nuts, all these aspects of my artistic personality, fighting for dominance! Freaky!

I love that double negative. Some days my life feels like a double negative! I totally get that "oh fuck, not this twat again" experience! I know that out-of-body disassociation all to well! You're in company with me, Darlin'!

Love ya! <3. XXX.

Sophie said...

Oh my gosh, you've TOTALLY got me hooked on Sia. I had to go look up the rest of her songs, too. What beautiful lyrics and what a darling lady!

Haha, 'the world in their knickers' = my new favourite phrase :) *snigger*

Lots of love! xxx

Cinnamon Brown said...

Yup, Sia's a great Aussie gal! So glad to make you smile, even if it's with my warped sense of humour! Ooh, I'm a beech! Have agreat one, Darlin'. <3. XXX.

grantthegeek said...

There is a Zen saying: "Who is the Buddha that makes the grass green?" The answer is: "You!".

We all have doubts, issues and problems. This is part of what we are. Problems come and go, but we remain.

Over the years, I have spent so much time and money trying to be better. All I've learned so far is that all I can be is me. But I'm trying to be willing for that to be enough.

You have an interesting blog, and that means you have an interesting mind.

Cheers for now.