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Yesterday was a good day. Estimated intake for the day - who knows? Way too high. Probably close to 1800.

But I worked really hard at the office and got a lot done. And when I came home I ate dinner with my husband, and I had a second helping, and we went upstairs and he read to me, and we made love, and we wrestled on the bed, and we laughed and laughed, and watched some TV and drank hot chocolate with a scoop of ice cream in.

And I went to bed feeling happy and loved and at peace.

I want that feeling. I want that more than I want to be little and perfect. Suddenly it seems ridiculous to me that I've spent so long trying *so hard* to be what I felt like other people wanted me to be, and now I'm with someone who tells me, "Don't 'be' anything. Just be. Be as you are. I love you like this", and yet I'm still *trying*.

There has to be more to life than this constant striving and longing and chasing, after what? Something ill-defined and elusive, constantly just out of reach.

I don't want to waste my life on this. I don't want to be forever 'almost there'. I don't want to get to the end of my life and realise that my big achievement is to have gotten really skinny. I want to do something that counts, I want to my worth to be measured by something more consistent than the numbers on the scale. I don't want life to pass me by while I'm busy measuring out my food and adding up calories. I don't want this selfishness. I don't want to hurt the people I love. I want more than this.

Today I asked A to change my password to something he won't remember. I will miss reading your blogs, and I'm sorry for letting you down. Thank you for all your support over the last months and years.

Mindy, I will be thinking of you particularly over the next weeks and months as you start inpatient. I wish you and P every happiness together.

I hope you all find this thing we've been looking for. Be nice to yourselves :)