Sunday, 17 October 2010

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?

Because I could really use a wish right now...

First off, thank you to Kat and Stick Thin who commented on my "Aaargh!" post (below) and gave me some perspective on what was kind of an irrational reaction to an innocent action by my husband. I like people who don't mindlessly agree with everything I say :)

He found my blog and read it. He'd like me to delete it, but I tend to hoard my life. I still have all my old diaries - not the "dear diary" kind which might make sense to keep, but those mundane weekly planner things where you scrawl things like "dentist 10a.m." and "Angela's birthday".

Something makes me equally reluctant to delete this record of myself. Secretly I guess I want something of myself to remain where I've been after I've left, but that sounds kind of melodramatic.

But I love him. I want to change, I want to be good for him. I want him to be able to focus on his studies and not have to deal with this day after day after day. I don't want to have to deal with it day after day after day. Sometimes.

Isn't the body an amazing thing? You lie asleep in bed for 8 hours, and, of its own volition, it sets about fixing itself, producing just the right quanitites of just the right proteins to renew its cells and tissues. Fertility hormones are released. Bone metabolism increases. All without your knowledge. I imagine all the people in the world lying supine in God's workshop as he tinkers around in our sleeping bodies, realigning things, patching things up, arranging our thoughts into dreams. He looks at us, pleased with his work. It's almost morning. He glances at my sleeping body and is startled. "Oh gosh!* Her mind! I forgot to fix her mind!" and he scoops up all my thoughts and feelings from the workshop floor and pushes them back into my head, higgledy-piggledy like colourful odd socks in a drawer. I wake up. A little joy, a little fear, a little anger, a little bewilderment. A little daydreaming, a little obsession, a little railing against the world. Then into that colourful chaos comes ana's voice, soft and low, full of purpose like a mother. And just like that, all my good intentions are gone.

* (I guess God's allowed to take his own name in vain, but presumably he doesn't...)

I want this and I don't..

A. says I don't need it. He says ana's an evil thing, that she comes to us when we're vulnerable, and lives in us, and makes us believe she's a part of us that we can never lose. He says I'm allowed to lose her. He says I can leave all this behind by becoming accountable for it. And when he talks like that I want so much not to have to do it any more. He wants to help me.

But I can't remember the last time I ate something without knowing or calculating how many calories were in it. It must have been 2007. How do you break these habits? The numbers have become encoded in the name. Apples have become apple95, eggs are now called eggs80, a cup of rice becomes rice190... How do I change this? How do you un-know something that you've known?

I don't want to see him sad any more. I keep remembering this one question from our wedding vows "...and forsaking all others, will you be faithful to him for so long as you both shall live?" In front of 200 people, I answered "I will" to this. And now I wonder, is this an 'other' that I need to forsake?

But he's writing his thesis this year, and it's going to be hard. This course is a machine that chews him up and spits out little pieces for me. He gives me everything he can, but nevertheless it will likely be a lonely and turbulent year. I need this. I need to know every night that tomorrow I'll count and weigh and measure, that in that respect the days will all be predictable. Without that anything could happen. The whole rhythm of my life would be upset, and I'd lose my handle on things and be back at the crazy people doctor before you know it.

Truly this is weakness, not strength.

1 comment:

Stick Thin said...

P would be very disappointed if he found my blog. Well probably more if he knew I was posting so recently. So I am sorry that it happened.

You have to figure out the balance yourself. Did he know about Ana before you were married? Eish. I wish I could give some solid advice.

I really love what you wrote on this post too. I can't imagine myself ever looking in the mirror and being okay with myself. I can't ever imagine not worrying about if this is going to make me fat, or if that is going to take too long to burn off.

We'll see if I can be stronger than the monster inside me