Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Life and happiness

I wanted to blog today because I'm quite conscious I have a tendency only to blog when I'm feeling unhappy, and sometimes I wonder if that's kind of conducive to an unhealthy focus on negative feelings.

Today the sun is shining :) The leaves have started changing colour, the air is crisp when I go jogging. I've spent the last few days stripping the wallpaper in our room ready for repainting. My whole body hurts - I always lived in rented houses growing up so never had the chance to redecorate and underestimated the amount of physical hard work that goes into it! Especially as we don't have all the right tools so are having to 'make do and mend' as we like to say in the UK :) But it's almost ready for painting and I'm excited. I love making things pretty!

I got some new glasses yesterday! I've only worn contacts for the last 6 years or so, so it's a big change for me. They make me look about 8lb thinner :) I know that's only the curve of the lenses distorting things, and that no-one else sees it, but it's kind of a nice feeling anyway. We don't have a scales at the moment; I never did end up buying one after I'd written about the in-laws' one being broken, so not sure where I am. Last time I know was accurate was 121 at my parents' house about a week and a half ago.

A and I have been talking recently about this blog, and about eating disorders as a whole. At times like this, when I feel loved and content, and have a fun project to occupy my mind and give me a sense of achievement, I think about asking him to change my password so I can't post on here anymore. I don't want to delete the blog, but I think it would be better for our relationship if I wasn't writing, or at least wasn't writing about eating and not eating.

I haven't had much appetite the last couple days so my portions have been small. I wouldn't really call it restricting; I'm sure I go over 1,000 many days. But weirdly, sometimes I'm ok with that. And that feels nice. Other times I'm so angry with myself for my lenity and look for something to punish myself with so I'll know better next time.

It's not that I'm trying not to be anorexic and can't do it. I'm *not* anorexic. My BMI is about 19 and all my bodily functions are 'normal'.

Nor am I trying to *be* anorexic. I don't think it even is something you can try to be; you either are or you aren't. At most maybe I'm EDNOS, though I'm skeptical as to whether that's even a thing.

The thing that I'm struggling with is the finality of putting it behind me and saying "I'm not going to resort to this again." Of promising myself "However difficult things get, even if it feels like everything's spiralled out of control, even if I completely lose my grip on reality, I WILL NEVER AGAIN STARVE MYSELF TO MAKE IT BETTER." It's too big of a promise to make! I just don't want to lose that nice, safe, familiar option. Just the thought of giving it up forever makes me feel as if I'm losing control and need to stop eating.

It's difficult for A. The other day I told him I'd make him pancakes for breakfast. Well I don't know if it was our new pan, or the wrong heat, or I got distracted and mis-measured the ingredients, but they all stuck to the pan and I had to throw them away. I was visibly upset. At times like that I feel like I'm outside my body. I watched myself lash out at him, fret that he hated me, that he wished he'd married someone else who was perfect, who made perfect pancakes. He came and gave me a hug, told me that he's not perfect either, that I don't need to be perfect, that he loves me for wanting to make him pancakes. Then he helped me fix eggs and toast for breakfast, but I explained to him I couldn't have any because I'd done wrong. It doesn't really make sense to other people.

I remember something I read once, maybe in Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted", and copied into my notebook:

"People with eating disorders tend to be very diametrical thinkers - everything is the end of the world, everything rides on this one thing, and everyone tells you you're very dramatic, very intense, and they see it as an affection, but it's actually just how you think. It really seems to you that the sky will fall if you are not personally holding it up. On the one hand, this is sheer arrogance; on the other hand, it is a very real fear."

Oh look, now, I've ended on a depressing note despite my best intentions *sigh*

I'm not depressed, honestly. I'm content. Just prone to a melancholy writing style...


Fed Up said...

Writing is a good outlet no matter what! I have always done it and I'm certain I will for the rest of my life. Getting things out of your head is theraputic. If it's about eating or not eating b/c that's what's in your head then so be it. Oh, and nobody is perfect so I'm sure your hubby loves you just as is.

Cinnamon Brown said...

Without sounding patronizing, I know just how you feel. I had the same experience making omelettes for my housemates. Looking back, I did overreact a bit, but it's because I forgive imperfection in others, but I will not tolerate it in myself!

Just breathe and don't sweat the E.D. labels. You don't have to be anything other than Sophie. She's a great gal and plenty good enough!

Suggestion - why not transform your blog into one dedicated to the 'healthy lifestyle', sensible/controlled food choices and exercise in the interests of maintaining a healthy, toned and slender body. That way you can still maintain the control you desire without succumbing to drastic measures and thereby avoiding negative attention and the concern of your loved ones. Just a thought. I'd be sad if you quit your blog :(

Thank you so much for your lovely comment, I left the reply beneath it. Good to hear from you, S.

Lyndee said...

no not depressing and it sounds like you are in a very healthy marriage he is not puting pressure on you about the blog but yet he wants you to be well and healthy and hun you are the perfect wife! or he wouldn't have picked you!
And whether you blog about food or bugs and airplanes writing is a good way to release tension! love you lots!
x Lyndee