Monday, 11 October 2010

120

Hardly cause for celebration, but it's lower that it's been for a long time. Puts my bmi at 19.4, which still qualifies as "normal" but I'll be out of there soon. "Normal"? Who wants that? To be unexceptional, average, run-of-the-mill. My husband said to me the other day, "you're not fat; you have a normal body". I wanted to run to the bathroom and purge everything I've eaten for the last month. It's not his fault I'm like this. He tells me time and again that he thinks I'm beautiful, and sometimes I believe him. This isn't what he signed up for, and yet he's so patient with me.

I've always chosen Ana over any man. She always comes first - that's how it's been and how I thought it would always be. But I know that has to change now; I just don't know how to do it. A told me before we were married that he would leave me if I came back here. No, maybe that's not quite right. I think he said he would leave me if I became anorexic again. And there's a good 20lbs between me and anorexia. I don't want to go back to that. I don't miss nightmares about being force-fed, I don't miss constant, dull pain in my legs as my muscles waste away, I don't miss watching my hair fall out in the shower. I miss being little and lovely and light. That's not such a bad thing, right?

1 comment:

Cinnamon Brown said...

120? Fantastic! Feel my envy!
In my opinion, 'normal' is just a 6 letter word and a filthy one at that! You must do what makes you happy. Whatever your decision, I'm with you all the way. X.