ooops...

i stand corrected!
credit where it's due; that last post should have read 2in the infinitely cooler words of daft punk" - thanks hey.hana, i'm a little ignorant about these things sometimes :)

so... i took a massive gamble the other day, and told my parents about this. not about this blog - i think it would really hurt them to read it - but about this whole eating / anxiety / loss of control fiasco. it was a pretty teary and uncomfortable conversation, i still live with them, so they'd obviously suspected something was up for a while but i guess it was still hard to hear it confirmed. i was just so tired of constantly having to think up excuses, "i had a big lunch", "my tummy hurts", "i'm eating at a friend's house later", and i don't like lying to them either. i figure this way at least i can be honest at mealtimes "i have an eating problem, it's really hard for me to eat right now, please try to respect that" and the whole thing's less of a farce. i can't really say for sure how it'll work out long term because it's only been a couple of days, nd i actually *was* eating at a friends house so don't know how it's going to work out around the house yet, but i'll let you know...!

haven't managed to get as much exercise in this week as i'd have liked but not eaten as much as i might have either. just feeling kind of blah.

thinspo from God :)

today in church i came across this verse from proverbs 9:13
"the woman folly is loud; she is undisciplined and without knowledge.
she sits at the doorway of her house, calling out to those who pass by,
'let all who are simple enter here...
stolen water is sweet, and food eaten in secret is delicious'
but little do they know that the dead are there;
that her guests are in the depths of the grave."

food eaten in secret is delicious? hell yeah!! but the depths of the grave? don't think i fancy that much...

this week may we stand where previously we've stumbled, and flourish where previously we've floundered. or, in the infintely cooler words of kanye west, "work it harder, make it better, do it faster, makes us stronger."

but sometimes it's just so bloody difficult.

i long to be fully loved, but how, without being fully known? and how to be fully known when the very essence of yourself is invisible, hidden beneath swathes of flesh?

heads up

all you uk girls, this month's issue of vogue comes with a *great* catwalk minimag. even if you don't normally buy vogue (i don't either, but was looking for some new thinspo), buy it this month just for the freebie! it's like a ready-made thinspo book; every page is full of it :)

on the minus side, it did make me feel like shite because of what a complete heifer i am in comparison but i guess that's the point, right? no pain no gain.

i'm absolutely loving c&s right now, it's my saving grace while i'm stressed with home stuff. does anyone else wonder though if it's bad to get so used to the taste of sweetness in your mouth? i wonder if i shouldn't even *taste* that much sugar, in case that in itself is bad...?

hating how much i weigh, i'm disgusted and ashamed of myself. i can't lose fast enough. for the first time, i'm literally terrified of putting on weight. i've never felt so desperate before, and that scares me even more. i'm stuck between drowning in fatness and drowning in fear.

Are we human...

...or are we dancer?

"The pursuit of perfection then...

...is the pursuit of sweetness and light" - Matthew Arnold

Too right!

Finally losing again, and it feels *fantastic* :) It’s only a smidgen, but enough to get me back into that mindset, and, more importantly enough to remind me how good it feels to see the numbers fall instead of rise. There’s nothing like the sweet taste of success (however small!) to thinspire you is there? I know it’s going to be harder now; my parents had been abroad for the last 5 months or so, so I wasn’t accountable to anyone for what I did or didn’t eat, but now they’re back there’s no way I’m going to get away with skipping meals or only eating vegetables. But as far as I can calculate I can still restrict enough to keep losing steadily til I’m at my GW. Slow progress is still progress, right?!
Today one of my colleagues came down at lunch and asked if I fancied going to the pub with them; normally I only order a diet coke with the explanation that “I’ve been picking at things all morning” or “I’m going out for dinner tonight” but today I was *so* hungry and had the world’s biggest craving for rhubarb crumble. Standing at the bar about to place my order, I glanced over next to me and saw the thinnest girl I’ve seen in my life. Seriously, her thighs were about the size of my ankles, she was absolutely stunning. Needless to say I went with the diet coke and a guilt-free afternoon :) I’m going to have to keep a tighter handle on my cravings though, that was a little too close for comfort.

Back to work...

It's been nice to have some time off over Christmas but I'm so ready to get back to work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing my colleagues and having some routine to my days, but mostly I'm *dying* to get back to the food routine. I've totally fallen off the wagon over Christmas and am eager to get back to where I was at the start of December. I know I can get there because I've been there before. And I know it'll be easier once I'm out of the house and don't have food within arm's reach all day long. I looked in the mirror yesterday and the word that sprang to mind was "robust" - haha, makes a nice change from "heifer" but it's all the same. Too much fat, too little bone. Come on girls and guys, 2009 can be our year!! Ever closer, ever thinner, almost perfect :)