Monday, 2 May 2011


It's something I'm out of. Well, in some respects at least. I feel like I've been doing (a tiny, tiny bit) better at controlling my moods, checking what I say before it comes out of my mouth etc. But I'm eating everything in sight. I don't know what's wrong with me. If I'd taken any chances at all, I'd think I was pregnant (please God no), but A and I have been really careful. As much as I want to be a mother, I'm still getting used to and enjoying being married. I like our little family of two for now :)

I haven't weighed myself for about ten days; it's got to be the longest stretch in years. But I just don't want to know right now. Not knowing doesn't mean not speculating, though. The sun is out, but the downside of wearing little summer clothes is being always confronted with the sight of your own body. How does it get to the point where you know you're huge and disgusting, but you just keep trowelling it in regardless?

Don't get me wrong, things are going well and I feel generally calm towards the world. But towards myself, I feel a little blue. I'm just not sure how it got to this state, and I feel stuck here. I know what I have to do, but I can't summon up the drive to do it. I have this friend who tells me she's pretty much resigned herself to being fat and people can just like it or lump it, and while I really admire that attitude in her I don't want it in myself! (Hypocrite much..?) I don't want to resign myself to this! I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life! But a good 80% of me is saying, "There's nothing you can do. This is who you are, it's who you'll always be. Just learn to live with it." and that little 20% that wants to keep trying is struggling to drown it out.

This afternoon I had a minor realisation. Probably far less interesting to anyone else than it is to me, but I'm going to go with it anway.  I've always hated lying in bed - I hate lie-ins, I hate not falling asleep straight away, I hate lying down in the middle of the day for a rest - but I've never understood why, because I looove to sleep :) Today I went to lie down with A for a few minutes in the afternoon, and realised that every time you get into bed, there's something touching your whole body. A mattress, or sheets, or pillows, or duvets - argh, there's something lying against every square inch of you! I'd always wondered why I felt fattest in bed, and now I know: because you can't help but be aware of your body when the whole bloody thing's being touched! Not sure how to get around this one - pretty sure a fear of lying down is a fast-track to the crazy ward...

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