So, I'm trying not to come on here anymore. I don't want to delete the blog, because it chronicles a period of my life that fascinates me and, if I'm honest, still has a hold on me. But I do want to move away from this lifestyle - to a degree. I still want to be thin, I've been losing again (slowly) and it's such a relief. Like going back to a familiar ex boyfriend who knows how you like to be held and touched and spoken to, with whom you have loads of inside jokes and shared memories. It feels like breathing after holding your breath. I want so much to go back to being really thin, I was reading some of my old entries the other day, when I was 100 lbs, or in the high 90s, and I was so disgusted with myself for being so *giant* but now I'd give anything to get back there. Almost. I'd give almost anything. I just also really like being sane right now. I'm sleeping through the night, my mood swings are settling down, my hair's stopped falling out, people are commenting that I'm looking great, I'm not scared to death of everything in the world anymore, I haven't had a nightmare for probably 2 months, I went down a new aisle in the grocery store the other day - it was full of crisps and chocolates! Admittedly I didn't buy any, but I somehow just felt like a normal person, doing normal things like buying the food that I want rather than the food that fits into my calorie plan for the day And for a moment there, it felt so good to be normal. But as soon as the moment comes, it's gone again and I'm just another shameless fat person. What if I can't stop? What if I aim for "normal" and overshoot and hit "out of control heifer" instead?! ... I'm torn between being sane and being skinny.
Where have all the bones gone? Is this too high a price to pay to be sane? How does one satisfy "normal" without also being unexceptional? But my biggest fear, to echo Marya Hornbacher's sentiment; how do you know, if you're not aiming for perfect, whether you're good enough? What do you base your decisions on? How do you measure yourself against something that's not concrete? If you're not at least *aiming* for perfect, how do you know how good is good enough? How do you know how far you've come or how far you have to go? And it's these terrifying thoughts that keep me here, reading your blogs, checking my food labels, running to the scales in the morning.
I have to be better, more disciplined, at any cost. This can't be all that I am. Surely?
2 comments:
the bit about going down the chocolate aisle in the supermarket for the first time reminded me when I was first recovering from my worst bout of anorexia!!!! omg it is so bad but in retrospect it is actually quite funny I think. I STILL get paralysed when it comes to actually buying food sometimes, particularly if I have to order it rather than just put in a grocery basket. But back after my first anorexia bout I just couldn't understand how other people knew how to do it at all. I didn't even understand how it was possible to put something in your mouth unless you knew the calorie count. like, myself, I could not physically do it. Even if I was asking the waitress for a simple diet coke I'd get paralysed and go bright red at first. And then when I finally could do it without panicking it was like this massive achievement and I kept doing it every day just for the rush ....... um, yeah, that's not sounding much like a proper recovery hey. It took years but now I can do it without panicking OR getting a sense of accomplishment. lol, yeah great.
So, umm, thanks for writing, I really love that I can relate to so much of this post. I'm really sorry however that you are struggling with the confusions that used to plague me. It does get better eventually. And you don't have to stay fat, just don't go into full anorexia or binge/purge again. It might take a while to work out how to do it but it can be done. I had years just recently of being a weight I could live with and not being proper ED. It was great. Recently gained a hella load of fat though due mainly to a bullying flatmate/landlady; a relationship end; wanting to eat 100% totally 'normal'(which in our society actually means eating unhealthy over-processed sh*t......); and general life/uni/random boy stress.
I know you say you're trying to keep away from this blog. And if you have to do that then that is cool, but I'd love to read more about how you go with working out some kind of your version of recovery. I don't think the standard recovery model works, probably because all ED girls have their own reasons and different 'healthy' body shapes to begin with (eg the ED clinic would have forced me up to a BMI of 20, which would have terrified the sheet out of me, but my GP was happy for me to be a BMI of 19, and according to some medical books a BMI of 18, if done healthily rather than by extreme dieting, is safe and there is a lot of recent science confirming this though hard to come across due to anti-ED fears). And that I think is why so many people relapse.
sorry, I realise this is probably going to look like a very long and rambling comment, so I hope you make some sense of it!
Best wishes for whatever you decide to do.
"What do you base your decisions on?
how do you know how good is good enough?"
this is just a speculation, because up to now i didn´t try to leave the ED. but i base this on things i read and other situations, which - i would say so - agree in principle.
so maybe it´s the same thing like learning to eat "normal".
you don´t know how much food is enough and which food you should take and you have no feeling for being hungry and full.
so you have to learn that again and in this time you have to be geared to others and you have to trust others who tell you how much and what kind of food you need.
and by and by you´re getting a feeling for yourself. what you want. what you need. and if you do so and when it is enough.
and maybe it´s the same thing in the main...
well...i hope anyone can follow me...and understand what i tried to tell
*best wishes for you
i really hope you´ll find your way
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