Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Somethin' Stupid

Spoiler alert: I know even before I've written it that what's in this post is going to be irrational and childish and stupid. I know. I know! You don't have to tell me. I'm just in that place right now.

First though, a response to Stick Thin's comment on my last post:
Your use of the phrase "black and white thinking" made me think of a quote from Wasted, (which, incidentally, I just discovered you can download for free from Marya writes:
"People with eating disorders tend to be very diametrical thinkers – everything is the end of the world, everything rides on This One Thing, and everyone tells you you´re very dramatic, very intense, and they see it as an affectation, but it´s actually just how you think." 
I read this book when I was right in the middle of my ED and that phrase (among many others) really resonated with me. I think a lot of us, whether we have an ED or EDNOS, are very diametrical thinkers, always thinking in black and white.  Part of my BPD diagnosis (which, for the record, I think is a load of bullshit) was based on the high incidence of "splitting" in my cognition, which is this very thing - any given thing at any given time is either all good or all bad, with no middle ground. And I can't help but wonder what it is that makes us think like that, and why it is that there's such a high incidence of this amongst people with EDs.
Anyway, back to more petty things... :|
I'm kind of in a quandry here so please advise freely! Last week A and I were discussing my lack of trust in his love for me - that all it takes is for one of us to make some silly mistake and suddenly either his love or the reasons for his love are (in my eyes) compromised. I asked him if he would write me a "love letter" of sorts - some short missive that I could keep in my wallet, and whenever I'm starting to feel anxious, I could pull it out and be reminded of both his character and his intentions towards me. I've never really asked him to show his love in a specific way like that before, so I was quite nervous about it (also because it could easily come across like I was just needy and fishing for compliments, which is embarrassing in itself), but he seemed to think it was a good idea and said he'd do it the next day. Well that was over a week ago, and he hasn't mentioned it again.
This is a pretty small deal, right? But for some reason it's provoked this huge, slightly crazy emotional response in me; suddenly I'm wondering if he hasn't written because he can't think of anything good to write? Or because it's not important to him that I feel loved? Or because he doesn't love me and doesn't want to lie? Suddenly I want to know whether he ever wrote to his beautiful, tiny, super-intelligent ex? There certainly wouldn't have been any shortage of things to compliment there. Part of me is angry that between his hour-long train ride every day, and his hour-long lunch break, and spending about 5 hours this weekend reading reviews of smartphones so he could choose the best one, he couldn't find 15 minutes to think of a couple nice things to jot down. Suddenly I'm pissed off that I come home exhausted at the end of the day and find the energy to make dinner and iron his shirts and make the house look nice so that he feels loved and cared for. I feel stupid for doing those things when they don't even make a difference to him. I feel stupid for ever asking this thing of him and setting myself up to be disappointed. I feel stupid and embarrassed for thinking (wishing?) that I warranted such a letter. and for caring that I don't. And I feel stupid for making such a big deal out of such a small thing. I know what any sane person would say; he probably just forgot. But he doesn't forget to email his new teaching colleague, or get on skype to meet with his old tutor at the appointed time, or text his friends to meet for a drink, and he certainly doesn't forget for a whole week! I'm not just throwing a tantrum because I asked for something and didn't get it; I'm sad because I told him this was important to me and that wasn't enough to make it matter to him. You don't just forget things that you care about. And I'm frustrated because there's no-one at whom to direct my frustration; you can't be angry at someone because they don't happen to find something important. The things that matter, matter, and the things that don't, don't. It's not a moral issue.
And always, of course, a little voice whispers, "but maybe if you were thinner..."
God, I re-read this and it's so whiny. You're truly a despicable soul, Sophie. But you'll be a pretty one soon enough.


Miranda, AKA Fed Up said...

Well, we all have to vent. And what goes on inside our head can be all over the place. When we are anxious about something the thoughts are spinning and we work our self up into quite a tizzy. I don't think it means he doesn't love you but it is on the insensitive side not to do it yet. Chances are he did forget and being a guy he may even believe that two weeks to a month is a reasonable time frame. And I know how you mean about putting all this effort into house keeping etc and for what? Anyhow, just tell the guy how you feel. Keeping it bottled up is worse. You can ask him about it he'll tell you what the deal is then you can stop all the worry in your head about it. And who knows...maybe he'll surprise you and he's doing it right now.

Beth said...

I'm very glad your back blogging again, for a while there I wondered where you'd gone...You are well within your rights to have a moan every now and again. Slightly random, The word despicable always reminds me of Despicable Me, a definate pick me up film.
I hope you sort things out with your man, I'm sure it will all be worth it in the end.

Stick Thin said...

Thanks for the quote. I am glad you caught on to what I was trying to say ha ha.

I don't think you are being whiny. If I were in your situation I think I would react the same. Something that I will point out is that men think differently than women.

I'm not defending his actions. I am just trying to give a possibility to why it hasn't been written. If he understood how important it was, and it seems like he should have been able to write it, then he should write it! Maybe it is hard for him to express himself?

You show your love for him by doing those things you mentioned. Is there ways he might also show his love that maybe you don't notice. You could ask him how he thinks he shows love.