Monday, 27 September 2010

Sweden, Comfort, and Hunger

This is how I know I'm a monster: my 6' 3" husband is scared of me. He says my sudden, violent changes in mood scare him, that he nevers knows who I'm going to be in the next minute. It must feel to him like he's living with a mental patient, but without the consolation of a diagnosable illness. I'm not crazy, I'm just too much and not enough all at the same time. I know he's losing patience with me, but I don't know how to fix it. There must be a way for me to control this.

We had a big argument last night, about a trip he went on to Sweden about 6 months before we were married. Admittedly it wasn't entirely his fault; when they got to the hotel they found their booking had been cocked up so there weren't enough rooms. All the other guys had wives or girlfriends, whom they stood up for, opting to room with other men. But he roomed with a girl. On what he'd told me was an all-male trip. Apparently her name is George and when he saw her name on the list he thought she was a boy. It was months ago, and I still feel so angry and betrayed, but he doesn't understand why. He's a good, kind person, but I'm just so disappointed in him for this. Part of me believes him and part of me feels stupid for doing so. And always, part of me thinks, "this is your fault. If you were thinner, better, he would love you too much to betray you. In your weakness you made this happen."

We lay apart in bed spewing venom, and I felt such fear, such inadequacy, such a tight sticky darkness inside me that I needed to let out. So I lay awake in the night beside my warm, solid, hurting husband, and made a thousand tiny cuts in my stomach until there was space inside myself for us both. And this is how I know it was right: he didn't know what I had done but he felt the space, and reached for me, and we lay in comfort together in the dark.

I'm not going back to Ana; I told him I wouldn't. But I just need to be hungry for a while. Hunger is calming. It leaves space inside you to breathe, and think, and be. This will make things better; it will make me a better person. Just temporarily, until I've figured out another way.

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