What do I want for Christmas...?

To be thinner of course. Not much chance of that after today though. I ate like a starving person. BUT it was lovely to spend time with my family, there were no major dramas or tantrums, and a potentially awkward encounter with my ex at church was less stressful than it could have been, so I'm trying *really* hard to focus on those things rather than the food issue. It's hard when it's so much at the front of my mind though. Traditionally in my family my Dad reads something every year at Christmas, he's done it since as long as I can remember, anyway the story this year had in it the line "in living only to conquer, you yourself have been conquered." It made me think of this lifestyle, we try so hard to be in control of this thing but in the end it overwhelms us.
Heh, festive, I know. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put a downer on Christmas! It's a beautiful time of year, and I guess if there's one day out of 365 when we should be allowed to think about something else it was today. So for now let's just embrace that, and remember that tomorrow's another day.

whinge...

Thanks for your comments after that last post! It means a lot to me that people are reading this :) To answer your questions, I *think* everything we talk to personnel about is supposed to be confidential, so with a bit of luck it won’t go any further. I don’t know if she will have known which blog was mine, I know she looked at a couple of them but as far as I can recall off the top of my head, there’s nothing on here that would identify me personally (except of course for this story, in which case if she’s still reading by now it’s pretty clear who I am!) In some ways it was incredibly embarrassing, and I’m such a private person normally that it would be excruciating if she was reading something so personal, but at the same time, I wonder if this lifestyle is really something so shameful? It certainly ignites - and to a certain extent warrants - controversy, but shame? If I thought it was something to be *ashamed* of I’d have to ask myself why I maintain it.

I guess part of the reason the whole issue of eating disorders is so controversial is because, in a social climate where everyone’s becoming more health conscious, it’s kind of a farce for us to pretend this is conducive to good health! But then, nor is smoking, or driving short distances, or - whisper it, you might hurt someone’s feelings! - obesity, but no-one feels ashamed of those things, and nor would they be expected to. It seems that the lines are drawn somewhat arbitrarily designating what is and isn’t socially acceptable. Why is it okay to criticize another person’s diet, but other health issues are taboo? There are a couple people in my office with some personal hygiene problems but it would be seen as overstepping the mark if I started criticizing them for it!

Of course I could be way off base, maybe it’s not our physical wellness that’s the problem, maybe there’s something offensive about the way we think. But there’s still something inconsistent in that argument. The same people who claim that violent movies or video games have no impact on a person’s mind are the ones who are shocked that we would use thinspo to desensitize ourselves to extreme thinness. Hello?! It’s the same mental process at work, being fed with different content! And are you really telling me that an preoccupation with food and weight and everything that comes with it is more harmful to a person’s emotional state than, say, bearing a grudge, or being excessively materialistic?

The point is, we’re not stupid. I don’t think any of us would argue that this life is perfect or easy or that we ever expected to be here. But here we are nevertheless, you me and the 6 billion other flawed people in the world, and when I meet someone different, someone in perfect physical health, who has no vices, and who isn’t emotionally reliant on anything or anyone, they can feel free to criticize me or fix me as they see fit, but until then I refuse to be made to feel like I’m uniquely or disproportionately problematic or like I have something to be ashamed of.

Stupid, stupid, stupid

Ohhh… :( I’ve been unbelievably arrogant and now I’m paying the price. I had to go see the personnel manager at work a little while ago; I guess they keep a closer eye than I thought on our internet use and these blogs had raised a red flag in the I.T. department. She was really nice about it, didn’t come across judgemental, just concerned - she said she’d had bulimia when she was a teenager and in hindsight she just wishes someone had pulled her up on it. And she pointed out as well that it would be pretty irresponsible of the company if they knew I had some kind of problem and they ignored it, so she’d asked I.T. to block access to blogspot.com. If this had happened 6 months ago I would have been absolutely *mortified* at being “found out”, but I’m so far past caring what anyone thinks anymore I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t admit or deny anything, just apologised for letting my personal life spill over into the realm of work and told her I understand this is something controversial that not everyone agrees with. She wanted me to “get some help” (uh, well, I was doing that until you closed down the blogs that were helping me), to which I obviously didn’t commit, just thanked her for her advice.
So I was kind of gutted that I wouldn’t be able to log on here as much - I can get online on my phone but it’s pretty slow, and I’m reluctant to put pro-ana stuff all over my Dad’s computer. But, get this; I thought I’d be okay without it!! Because apparently I like to think I’m some kind of superwoman who doesn’t have any weaknesses and can achieve things on my own. How very deluded I was. And how quickly we can be influenced by those around us! Without you guys to keep me on track, and surrounded by people who think “normal” means eating about 2000 calories a day, I became complacent and *stopped counting*!! I never knew it was possible to put on so much weight in such a short space of time. My entire body is swathed in a layer of fat; I look in the mirror and see only softness, weakness, and feel only shame.
I’m humbled to see that even while I’ve been such a failure people have been reading this - thank you so much! Your support means more to me now than ever; there’s something reassuringly familiar about reading your blogs and knowing there are other people out there who feel like this.
Back to square one. Even though I'm still officially *just* underweight I don't think I'm low enough to keep my period away this month. It feels like I'm starting all over again, right from scratch.