Monday, 12 December 2011

Starving... or not...

I'm sorry I haven't posted in such a long while. I'm toying with the idea of giving up this blog (again - ha) because I feel kind of removed from the person I was when I first started writing it. For the most part, I don't even want to be real skinny and any anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love when I can feel my ribs or my hip bones. And I still haven't learned to look in the mirror and see anything other than a giant beached whale. But I've decided to stop trying to do that and instead try to believe that my opinions about my body or about food and nutrition in general are just wrong. I won't give those opinions up, I'll just make the choice to believe that they're false.

As in:
"Sophie, you look like a huge gelatinous behemoth, and that may always be the case. But you're not one. What you see isn't really there."

I'm just in two minds about the whole issue. I've tried before to stop thinking I'm fat, and it's just thrown me into a panic. So I'm not sure, in practical terms, how one goes about it. Any ideas??

I feel like I'm starving at the moment. But in reality, I know that I'm not. On Friday and Saturday I was really busy with friends and Christmas stuff, and indulged more than I should have. (Think pizza, Nandos, and Maltesers... :/ ) It's 5pm now and so far I've eaten 3 teaspoons of cereal, 1 bite of cake (it was a colleague's leaving party at lunchtime), a pear, and a banana. I'm planning on just vegetables for dinner, though it depends who else I'm cooking for - I can't very well feed that to A! Tomorrow night is his office Christmas party. I'm excited about it - about meeting his colleagues and having a night on the town, but I'm nervous too. Am trying  not to assume they'll think I'm a total loser straight off, and am restricting more than usual yesterday, today and tomorrow to try and give myself a little confidence boost. I've got a fitted black pencil dress to wear and if my tummy's not flat it'll show. Still need to figure out how to accessorize it so it's less funereal and more festive, haha. If I'm not gross, I'll post a picture. I think if anyone who knows me reads this blog they've probably figured out long ago who I am.

In other, more exciting news, my sister did have her baby a few weeks ago! She had a little boy; they named him Levi.  I'm just dying to go visit, but that has to wait until January...

Also, I think A and I have finally found our new house! The landlord's just doing a credit check on us before he accepts our offer, so we're trying not to pin our hopes on it until it's secured. We've done that before and then been crushed when it's fallen through, so being a little more cautious this time.

Ok, that's all my big news! Now to go catch up on yours... :)


Anonymous said...

I felt the same exact way when I was first meeting hubby's friends and colleagues. I didn't want them to think I was a loser!! Well have fun on your night out. And...I'm all out of ideas on how to stop my negative mind from taking over. If you can come to some sort of peace where this fat stuff doesn't haunt you so much that's great.

LoveMeDead said...

i completely understand how you feel. im definately not the same person i was four years ago when i started my blog. maybe somewhere along the way i realized anorexia was more of a disease that i was pushing on myself than a diet plan. sit in the mirrior, and instead of pointing out all of the things you dont like, focus on the things you do like, it really helps! best of luck to you hun!