I have to confess, I've deliberately avoided blogger the last few days. I vacillate between being embarrassed and furious about the last week or so. I won't go into detail, as it's the end result that matters. And the end result is that today, the last day of the 30-day challenge, I weigh 125 lbs. Exactly the weight that I started at.
Ok, I hadn't been doing spectacularly; every other post had some reference to a big food-related screw-up. But at least I was losing, albeit slowly. Then in the last week I just turned around and undid it all.
So discouraged, but I know I've only myself to blame. I just want to hide from the world.
Tomorrow we go on holiday. I've been so excited about it, but A and I had a big argument last night about how to organize things. Turns out that in my family my dad's always figured out the logistics of holidays, and in his family his mom's always done it. So we both had this unspoken assumption that it was the other one's responsibility, and the result was that everything got left to the last minute, which was stressful. As is so often the case, the argument snowballed until I don't think we could even remember what we were fighting about; we both just ended up pulling out the last year's worth of grievances and hurling them at each other.
I know that "love keeps no record of wrongs", but what the hell do other people do with all their hurt and resentment? We're both so angry about some things, y'know? And I think we're both justified in our anger, we just don't know what to do with the destructive aspect of it.
I did have an appointment with the chaplain this morning and asked for his thoughts on the matter. He pointed out that the phrase "to take offence" implies some active participation on the part of the offended. The situation may be forced upon you, but the feeling of offence isn't; you take that. He also reminded me of the phrase "innocent until proven guilty", and suggested that it might be helpful to assume that things which I find hurtful weren't said or done in order to hurt me, but that they were just borne of carelessness or absent-mindedness. He said a bunch of other stuff too, which I won't post here (what is this, a marriage blog?), but I will say that I value his opinions largely because he's not on my side. That might sound strange, but I think there's more value in the opinion of someone who looks at you objectively than in the opinion of someone who has an agenda as your collaborator. And he always points out things that I can do to change my reactions to a situation. Granted, I'm making excruciatingly slow progress in that regard, but it's more empowering to believe that your contentment is within your control than to believe that you're a victim of circumstance. And that's applicable to all of us.
Ok, sermon over, folks ;)
I'm going to keep trying to shift this weight. Back to square one... *sigh*
But first I'm going to go on holiday :)
I think you all are fabulous, and will catch up on your blogs just as soon as I get back.
Thursday, 30 June 2011
Thursday, 23 June 2011
30-Day Challenge: Days 20-22
Ok, I'm going to stop apologising for not keeping up with a daily post - I think we've all figured out by now that that's never going to happen..!
The last couple of days I've been laid up in bed with some kind of stomach bug. The upside of this is that my appetite was more or less shot. The downside was that, in the absence of hunger, I ate out of boredom, entirely negating the upside. In addition, I could barely stand up without feeling nauseous (Morning sickness, anyone?! Please. God. No.) so even mild exercise was out of the question. As a result I skipped yesterday's weigh-in on Wednesday, entirely out of cowardice! I'll try and suck it up on Saturday... :|
In the interests of starting out accurately I'm going to work backwards. Yesterday started well, with a cup of fat-free yogurt for breakfast, then throughout the course of the day - apparently just for poops and giggles - I consumed a further 1,080 calories, bringing the total to 1,130... FAIL!
Day 21 was much better (though technically still a fail in terms of ticking the 500-1,000 box. But I'm definitely ok with that. More fat-free yogurt in the morning (50), three rich tea biscuits in the afternoon (3x30 = 90), then homemade tomato soup (250?) for dinner. So a total of 390.
And of day 20 I oddly have no recollection whatsoever. For all anyone knows I may have consumed an entire living, breathing cow, horns and all *sigh*.
Now, in much more exciting news, A and I have booked a mini-break yay! It's kind of spontaneous and last minute - well, this is the couple who chose to "just drive somewhere and wing it" rather than book a hotel on their wedding night - we're leaving a week tomorrow for 4 days in Brittany, France! I'm super-excited :D We're on a budget, so are going to road- / ferry-trip down there, then camp by the beach. It's going to be sunny and romantic and I'm going to wear a bikini and not care about my tummy. Well, two out of three ain't bad... :)
I'll just answer these couple questions, then I'd better get back to work. I'm learning about Cyrillic type design today - any creative types out there who are looking for a little unconventional inspiration, I'd highly recommend looking at some of the recent Cyrillic fonts out there . I'd totally decorate my house in typography if I could :) Anyway, tangent.
What's your favourite diet?
Oh I'm awful at diets. They're so structured and I'm so awful at following all the rules... :/ I just try to keep my calories / fat relatively low and hope for the best!
What's your clothing size?
I'm a UK 8-10, depending on the shop. I think that's a US 4-6.
What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?
My lowest weight was 96lbs. Some of the (numerous) reasons for the gain are in this post from a couple days ago, under the question 'Do you have an eating disorder?'
Before I go, thank you so much for the encouraging comments on my last post. I'm so touched that people read this blog and take an interest in it (especially the super-long posts I've been writing lately - sorry about that, verbal diarrhea!). You guys are fabulous :) Love to you all,
Sohie xox
The last couple of days I've been laid up in bed with some kind of stomach bug. The upside of this is that my appetite was more or less shot. The downside was that, in the absence of hunger, I ate out of boredom, entirely negating the upside. In addition, I could barely stand up without feeling nauseous (Morning sickness, anyone?! Please. God. No.) so even mild exercise was out of the question. As a result I skipped yesterday's weigh-in on Wednesday, entirely out of cowardice! I'll try and suck it up on Saturday... :|
In the interests of starting out accurately I'm going to work backwards. Yesterday started well, with a cup of fat-free yogurt for breakfast, then throughout the course of the day - apparently just for poops and giggles - I consumed a further 1,080 calories, bringing the total to 1,130... FAIL!
Day 21 was much better (though technically still a fail in terms of ticking the 500-1,000 box. But I'm definitely ok with that. More fat-free yogurt in the morning (50), three rich tea biscuits in the afternoon (3x30 = 90), then homemade tomato soup (250?) for dinner. So a total of 390.
And of day 20 I oddly have no recollection whatsoever. For all anyone knows I may have consumed an entire living, breathing cow, horns and all *sigh*.
Now, in much more exciting news, A and I have booked a mini-break yay! It's kind of spontaneous and last minute - well, this is the couple who chose to "just drive somewhere and wing it" rather than book a hotel on their wedding night - we're leaving a week tomorrow for 4 days in Brittany, France! I'm super-excited :D We're on a budget, so are going to road- / ferry-trip down there, then camp by the beach. It's going to be sunny and romantic and I'm going to wear a bikini and not care about my tummy. Well, two out of three ain't bad... :)
I'll just answer these couple questions, then I'd better get back to work. I'm learning about Cyrillic type design today - any creative types out there who are looking for a little unconventional inspiration, I'd highly recommend looking at some of the recent Cyrillic fonts out there . I'd totally decorate my house in typography if I could :) Anyway, tangent.
What's your favourite diet?
Oh I'm awful at diets. They're so structured and I'm so awful at following all the rules... :/ I just try to keep my calories / fat relatively low and hope for the best!
What's your clothing size?
I'm a UK 8-10, depending on the shop. I think that's a US 4-6.
What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?
My lowest weight was 96lbs. Some of the (numerous) reasons for the gain are in this post from a couple days ago, under the question 'Do you have an eating disorder?'
Before I go, thank you so much for the encouraging comments on my last post. I'm so touched that people read this blog and take an interest in it (especially the super-long posts I've been writing lately - sorry about that, verbal diarrhea!). You guys are fabulous :) Love to you all,
Sohie xox
Monday, 20 June 2011
30-Day Challenge: Days 16 - 19
Oh gosh, I'm so behind :| Ok, to summarise, I've been slacking a little the past few days. We had a couple of celebrations and to be honest I just wasn't in the mood to be stressing about calorie counts. So the following amounts have been roughly estimated rather than religiously calculated.
Day 16 was just below 1,000 so not fabulous, but given that we went out for dinner it was ok.
Day 17 was A's graduation. More on this later; in intake terms it was pretty darn good for a day of celebrating! I was so busy rushing around in the morning I ate about 1 tbsp fat-free yogurt for breakfast, then nothing until dinner, which was 5 or 6 baby octopi (almost too cute to eat!) and a big bunch of steamed green veg. Add to that a couple glasses of champagne, a handful of strawberries, a couple sips of some kind of milky flavoured coffee, and half a chocolate chip cookie during the course of the evening and I'm pretty sure I stayed below 1,000, though I don't know by how much.
Day 18 I'd put between 1,300 and 1,600. Realistically it was probably closer to 1,600 though I'm pretty sure I didn't go over that (touch wood!)
Day 19 (yesterday) was Father's Day and my parents and brother came to our house for lunch. We cooked shish kebabs and rice-stuffed red peppers on the fire pit, and my mom brought her broccoli salad (so far, so healthy) but she also brought a cheesecake. I didn't really have dinner, but A and I sat in bed watching 'How I met my mother' (we've just discovered this show, so are still on Season 1, but totally hooked already!) and eating (air-popped) popcorn.
All in all, it was pretty mediocre, intake-wise. I got in one run and a couple walks, and most of graduation day was spent on our feet, so, again, neither good nor bad exercise-wise, either.
A's graduation on Friday was a lot of fun! He looked super-hot in his new suit, and the tailor did an excellent job lining my dress. I think we made quite a handsome pair if I do say so myself ;) I felt confident enough not to have to wear ugly slimming panties, which is always useful for things like, oh, breathing.
A unfortunately didn't win the award he'd been nominated for, but he did have two people from that firm express an interest in his work (which is more useful in some ways). So he has one interview on Friday, and another in the pipeline. Wish him luck!
We had a big argument on the way home from his graduation. I don't know if it was the release of so many months (or years, for him) of pressure, or general cumulative tiredness, or apprehension about this new stage in our lives, or what. But it was pretty horrible, and spilled over into Saturday. So we spent the rest of the weekend relaxing together and remembering the things we love about one another. It ended up being one of the best weekends I've had in a while :)
Ok, to the last few days' worth of questions:
When did you first decide to lost weight?
Wow... I have no idea. My mom has always trimmed the fat off our meat before cooking it, with a pair of scissors. I remember once being about 6 years old, evidently not understanding much about human anatomy, looking down at my little round tummy, and trying to do the same. For years I had two little scars about an inch above and below my belly button. But I first started thinking about diet and exercise when I was about 14. Actually, my close friendship with A and some of our mutual friends at that age probably helped stave off my developing an eating disorder any earlier than I did - I wanted to be "one of the guys", not some sullen girl pushing a salad leaf around my plate while they hung out over a bowl of nachos!
Do you have an eating disorder?
No. My BMI is currently 20.1, so at the low end of 'normal', and I don't fulfil any of the diagnostic criteria for either anorexia or bulimia. (For those who are curious, these are available here.) I also don't think I'm consistent enough in my weight obsession to qualify for an EDNOS, as I'm able to eat what others perceive as a normal amount of food without punishing myself, particularly when it benefits a relationship. A couple of years ago I did fulfil the diagnostic criteria for anorexia. Disappointingly, the sense of achievement that came from reaching this "holy grail" lasted about three days before I set myself a new, thinner, target. This cycle went on for about a year, and one of the things that eventually pulled me out of it (I know, this isn't part of the question...) was reading a journal article which listed the potential effects of anorexia on pregnancy, even years after recovery, including an increased risk of premature birth or miscarriage, higher rates of "cot-deaths", higher rates of postnatal depression, decreased neural tube development in the foetus, and a host of things I can no longer call to mind. In fact, all post-ED pregnancies are automatically classed as high-risk, in the UK at least. Sometimes I'm tempted to fall back into that cycle of intensely hard work and briefly exhilarating rewards, then I think of my as-yet-unborn children and turn away.
What food is your weakness?
Regular readers, take a guess :) Ice cream, obviously!
When is the last time you ate fast food?
It depends what counts as 'fast food' - is it any restaurant food? In that case, those baby octopi on Friday. Or is it anything unhealthy? In that case, that slice of cheesecake on Sunday. Or is it specifically pizza or McDonalds etc.? In that case... I'm not sure. I think we ordered in a pizza a few weeks ago. For the most part I don't have a problem with occasional small portions of 'junk' food. If you want a slice of pizza once in a while, no harm done. If you binge nightly on a KFC bargain bucket, everyone loses, from the poor battery-farmed chickens to your arteries.
Well, I hope you all are happy and healthy and losing weight in a sensible way (all together now, "yes Mom...") I'm going to get my nose back to the grindstone for this last week-and-a-half of the challenge. At Saturday's weigh-in was another pound down, bringing my total loss to 4 1/2 pounds. Not exactly what I'd hoped for at the start of the challenge, but it's something. And hey, I'm having a blast along the way :)
Day 16 was just below 1,000 so not fabulous, but given that we went out for dinner it was ok.
Day 17 was A's graduation. More on this later; in intake terms it was pretty darn good for a day of celebrating! I was so busy rushing around in the morning I ate about 1 tbsp fat-free yogurt for breakfast, then nothing until dinner, which was 5 or 6 baby octopi (almost too cute to eat!) and a big bunch of steamed green veg. Add to that a couple glasses of champagne, a handful of strawberries, a couple sips of some kind of milky flavoured coffee, and half a chocolate chip cookie during the course of the evening and I'm pretty sure I stayed below 1,000, though I don't know by how much.
Day 18 I'd put between 1,300 and 1,600. Realistically it was probably closer to 1,600 though I'm pretty sure I didn't go over that (touch wood!)
Day 19 (yesterday) was Father's Day and my parents and brother came to our house for lunch. We cooked shish kebabs and rice-stuffed red peppers on the fire pit, and my mom brought her broccoli salad (so far, so healthy) but she also brought a cheesecake. I didn't really have dinner, but A and I sat in bed watching 'How I met my mother' (we've just discovered this show, so are still on Season 1, but totally hooked already!) and eating (air-popped) popcorn.
All in all, it was pretty mediocre, intake-wise. I got in one run and a couple walks, and most of graduation day was spent on our feet, so, again, neither good nor bad exercise-wise, either.
A's graduation on Friday was a lot of fun! He looked super-hot in his new suit, and the tailor did an excellent job lining my dress. I think we made quite a handsome pair if I do say so myself ;) I felt confident enough not to have to wear ugly slimming panties, which is always useful for things like, oh, breathing.
A unfortunately didn't win the award he'd been nominated for, but he did have two people from that firm express an interest in his work (which is more useful in some ways). So he has one interview on Friday, and another in the pipeline. Wish him luck!
We had a big argument on the way home from his graduation. I don't know if it was the release of so many months (or years, for him) of pressure, or general cumulative tiredness, or apprehension about this new stage in our lives, or what. But it was pretty horrible, and spilled over into Saturday. So we spent the rest of the weekend relaxing together and remembering the things we love about one another. It ended up being one of the best weekends I've had in a while :)
Ok, to the last few days' worth of questions:
When did you first decide to lost weight?
Wow... I have no idea. My mom has always trimmed the fat off our meat before cooking it, with a pair of scissors. I remember once being about 6 years old, evidently not understanding much about human anatomy, looking down at my little round tummy, and trying to do the same. For years I had two little scars about an inch above and below my belly button. But I first started thinking about diet and exercise when I was about 14. Actually, my close friendship with A and some of our mutual friends at that age probably helped stave off my developing an eating disorder any earlier than I did - I wanted to be "one of the guys", not some sullen girl pushing a salad leaf around my plate while they hung out over a bowl of nachos!
Do you have an eating disorder?
No. My BMI is currently 20.1, so at the low end of 'normal', and I don't fulfil any of the diagnostic criteria for either anorexia or bulimia. (For those who are curious, these are available here.) I also don't think I'm consistent enough in my weight obsession to qualify for an EDNOS, as I'm able to eat what others perceive as a normal amount of food without punishing myself, particularly when it benefits a relationship. A couple of years ago I did fulfil the diagnostic criteria for anorexia. Disappointingly, the sense of achievement that came from reaching this "holy grail" lasted about three days before I set myself a new, thinner, target. This cycle went on for about a year, and one of the things that eventually pulled me out of it (I know, this isn't part of the question...) was reading a journal article which listed the potential effects of anorexia on pregnancy, even years after recovery, including an increased risk of premature birth or miscarriage, higher rates of "cot-deaths", higher rates of postnatal depression, decreased neural tube development in the foetus, and a host of things I can no longer call to mind. In fact, all post-ED pregnancies are automatically classed as high-risk, in the UK at least. Sometimes I'm tempted to fall back into that cycle of intensely hard work and briefly exhilarating rewards, then I think of my as-yet-unborn children and turn away.
What food is your weakness?
Regular readers, take a guess :) Ice cream, obviously!
When is the last time you ate fast food?
It depends what counts as 'fast food' - is it any restaurant food? In that case, those baby octopi on Friday. Or is it anything unhealthy? In that case, that slice of cheesecake on Sunday. Or is it specifically pizza or McDonalds etc.? In that case... I'm not sure. I think we ordered in a pizza a few weeks ago. For the most part I don't have a problem with occasional small portions of 'junk' food. If you want a slice of pizza once in a while, no harm done. If you binge nightly on a KFC bargain bucket, everyone loses, from the poor battery-farmed chickens to your arteries.
Well, I hope you all are happy and healthy and losing weight in a sensible way (all together now, "yes Mom...") I'm going to get my nose back to the grindstone for this last week-and-a-half of the challenge. At Saturday's weigh-in was another pound down, bringing my total loss to 4 1/2 pounds. Not exactly what I'd hoped for at the start of the challenge, but it's something. And hey, I'm having a blast along the way :)
Thursday, 16 June 2011
30-Day Challenge: Day 15
I was glad I kept my intake pretty low during the day today, as A's mom texted me in the afternoon to ask if she could take me for dinner tonight. So that was really nice. I haven't had a chance to hang out with her very much; even though we all lived in the same house for 3 months after A and I were married, his parents travel a lot, so they were often away. Which was really nice in terms of he and I having time to ourselves, but means I didn't get to know his parents as well as I might have otherwise. So it was fun to spend some time with her tonight. It did put my intake up a little, and then I fell into the "oh screw it, I've already ruined today, why not have a massive bowl of full-fat ice cream instead of the small bowl of low-fat I was planning?" trap.
So pissed off to have gone over :(
And...
Exercise: nil :( But, I spent my lunch break when I'd planned to go for a run taking that black dress to the tailor to put a lining in. A pointed out that when the light's behind you it's just a little too see-through to be classy. So it wasn't a completely wasted time.
Today's question:
Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
I'm afraid I'm a carnivore through and through! A and I are trying to eat less meat, but for purely financial reasons. In the summer (that is, when it's warm. I live in the UK - despite being halfway through June right now it's about 15 celcius and raining every other day. Boo.) I feel like I could live on fruits and salad, but come winter (that is, approximately 11.5 months of the year) I want my meat!
Ok, sorry for the super-short post (or maybe that's a welcome relief to you regular readers haha) - it's been a pretty boring day!
I'll leave you with some pictures...
- Breakfast: 1/2 cup peas, 3 wedges melon (40+75 = 115)
- Mid-morning: Apple (80)
- Lunch: 1 cup green beans (35)
- Mid-afternoon: slim-a-soup (40)
- Dinner: (surprise pub meal with A's mom) 6 oz lean steak, 1/2 cup peas, 1 grilled tomato, 1 grilled mushroom, 5 french fries (320+40+20+5+100 = 485)
- Evening: Maltesers hot chocolate (100)
- Ice cream Wednesday! 2 scoops chocolate ice cream (200)
So pissed off to have gone over :(
And...
Exercise: nil :( But, I spent my lunch break when I'd planned to go for a run taking that black dress to the tailor to put a lining in. A pointed out that when the light's behind you it's just a little too see-through to be classy. So it wasn't a completely wasted time.
Today's question:
Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
I'm afraid I'm a carnivore through and through! A and I are trying to eat less meat, but for purely financial reasons. In the summer (that is, when it's warm. I live in the UK - despite being halfway through June right now it's about 15 celcius and raining every other day. Boo.) I feel like I could live on fruits and salad, but come winter (that is, approximately 11.5 months of the year) I want my meat!
Ok, sorry for the super-short post (or maybe that's a welcome relief to you regular readers haha) - it's been a pretty boring day!
I'll leave you with some pictures...
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
30-Day Challenge: Days 13 and 14
Day 13's intake: about a zillion *sigh*
No, maybe not quite, but definitely over 1,000. Possibly over 1,500. I don't remember exactly what I ate so can't go and look it up retrospectively. Probably for the best... :|
Day 14 (yesterday - I'm so behind!) was better:
Exercise: 1 hour power-walk, down and up a very steep hill. I was super-proud of this, not because it was a massive amount of exercise compared to what some of you guys do, but because this hill is huge, and steep, and feels interminable, but I kept a fast pace all the way up it. I was also proud because I was feeling really needy and wanting to spend some time with A, but he was working on something; I could feel myself getting really indignant about this, but instead of throwing a hissy fit I put my agitation to productive use. I know, big deal, right? Good job Sophie, you acted like every other normal human being. Well that may be, but there's something to be said for baby steps...
So. Questions, then the results of this morning's weigh-in.
Are you losing weight in a healthy or an unhealthy way?
I think in a fairly healthy way. Technically I should probably up my calories a little and up my exercise to compensate, but I just abhor every kind of exercise I've ever tried, except for walking (which I love) and dancing (which I also love, but sadly no-one else I know does, and it's less fun on your own!), but overall I don't think the current plan is so bad.
What's your UGW? When do you hope to reach it?
This is a tough one. My lowest was 96lbs, so the competitive part of me wants to beat that. The rational part, though, knows that the corresponding BMI of 16 is unhealthy and requires a slavish devotion to maintain. I suppose my goal is to get down to 110 and be happy with that. I'd said at the start of this challenge, kind of without thinking, that I'd like to be 110 by the end of June, but losertown tells me that it's more realistic to aim for mid to late August. (How's that for a miscalculation?!)
Today's weigh-in wasn't as bad as I'd hoped. I was sure I'd have gained since Saturday, but in fact I'd lost half a pound :) I know, it's a tiny amount. But it's not a gain! Between now and next Wednesday I'd love to get down to 118 / 119. That shouldn't be difficult as long as I don't binge.
Tomorrow and Friday we're eating out, so I just need to be super-careful with that, and stop making excuses not to exercise (!!), then I think this week should go okay.
I've loved catching up on your blogs the last few days; keep writing :)
No, maybe not quite, but definitely over 1,000. Possibly over 1,500. I don't remember exactly what I ate so can't go and look it up retrospectively. Probably for the best... :|
Day 14 (yesterday - I'm so behind!) was better:
- Breakfast: 60g low fat smoked sausage, 2 wedges of melon (120+50 = 170)
- Lunch: Slim-a-soup, Apple, Nectarine (40+80+40 = 160)
- Afternoon: 3 bites rhubarb crumble (100?)
- Dinner: 1/2 brown tortilla, 1 piece liver, 1/2 cup onions/bell peppers, 1/4 cup rice, 1 Tbsp grated cheese (100+30+50+80+40 = 300)
- Evening: 1 rich tea biscuit (35)
Exercise: 1 hour power-walk, down and up a very steep hill. I was super-proud of this, not because it was a massive amount of exercise compared to what some of you guys do, but because this hill is huge, and steep, and feels interminable, but I kept a fast pace all the way up it. I was also proud because I was feeling really needy and wanting to spend some time with A, but he was working on something; I could feel myself getting really indignant about this, but instead of throwing a hissy fit I put my agitation to productive use. I know, big deal, right? Good job Sophie, you acted like every other normal human being. Well that may be, but there's something to be said for baby steps...
So. Questions, then the results of this morning's weigh-in.
Are you losing weight in a healthy or an unhealthy way?
I think in a fairly healthy way. Technically I should probably up my calories a little and up my exercise to compensate, but I just abhor every kind of exercise I've ever tried, except for walking (which I love) and dancing (which I also love, but sadly no-one else I know does, and it's less fun on your own!), but overall I don't think the current plan is so bad.
What's your UGW? When do you hope to reach it?
This is a tough one. My lowest was 96lbs, so the competitive part of me wants to beat that. The rational part, though, knows that the corresponding BMI of 16 is unhealthy and requires a slavish devotion to maintain. I suppose my goal is to get down to 110 and be happy with that. I'd said at the start of this challenge, kind of without thinking, that I'd like to be 110 by the end of June, but losertown tells me that it's more realistic to aim for mid to late August. (How's that for a miscalculation?!)
Today's weigh-in wasn't as bad as I'd hoped. I was sure I'd have gained since Saturday, but in fact I'd lost half a pound :) I know, it's a tiny amount. But it's not a gain! Between now and next Wednesday I'd love to get down to 118 / 119. That shouldn't be difficult as long as I don't binge.
Tomorrow and Friday we're eating out, so I just need to be super-careful with that, and stop making excuses not to exercise (!!), then I think this week should go okay.
I've loved catching up on your blogs the last few days; keep writing :)
Monday, 13 June 2011
A big freak-out about olanzapine
This morning I had an appointment with the consultant psychiatrist and her trainee to follow up from the appointment I had a few weeks ago with the trainee alone. By the end of the hour they still weren't sure whether to diagnose me as bipolar or borderline personality (bit of an awkward misunderstanding about this; I was offended at their implication that I was only on the border of having a personality, that I didn't have a "real" one, and told them as much. They looked uncomfortable and told me that, no, it means your personality is borderline psychotic. Right. Thanks. Actually I preferred my interpretation, insulting or not.) so they want A to come with me to the next appointment so they can get a more rounded impression of things. I'm not sure how he's going to react to this - he has been unbelievably supportive about all of this, but I think his patience is (understandably) starting to wear thin. He says it's starting to look like an elaborate ruse, and I don't know how to explain to him that it feels like something else is living in my brain.
In any case, in the meantime they've prescribed me a course of olanzapine, a mood stabiliser and anti-psychotic. I balked a little at the word 'psychotic' (again) but ultimately I'm glad to accept any help I can get. So fine, not a problem. But when I got back to work and googled it, one of the first results was an article from the American Journal of Psychiatry associating this drug with a 58% BMI increase! 58%??! How is that even possible? Apparently the average gain is about 25 lbs. I have to get my moods under control in order to keep my marriage, and given the choice between keeping my marriage but gaining 25 lbs, or losing my marriage and staying this size or thinner, of course I'd keep my marriage. That's not even a decision; I wouldn't contemplate the other. But oh lord... that's 147 lbs. Suddenly the weight I am now doesn't seem like the disgusting mass I thought it was. This is such a bad deal for him; he married someone relatively pretty and relatively sane, and he'll end up either with someone relatively pretty but a total basket case, or relatively sane but 147lbs. Would he still love me if I was fat but sane?
In any case, in the meantime they've prescribed me a course of olanzapine, a mood stabiliser and anti-psychotic. I balked a little at the word 'psychotic' (again) but ultimately I'm glad to accept any help I can get. So fine, not a problem. But when I got back to work and googled it, one of the first results was an article from the American Journal of Psychiatry associating this drug with a 58% BMI increase! 58%??! How is that even possible? Apparently the average gain is about 25 lbs. I have to get my moods under control in order to keep my marriage, and given the choice between keeping my marriage but gaining 25 lbs, or losing my marriage and staying this size or thinner, of course I'd keep my marriage. That's not even a decision; I wouldn't contemplate the other. But oh lord... that's 147 lbs. Suddenly the weight I am now doesn't seem like the disgusting mass I thought it was. This is such a bad deal for him; he married someone relatively pretty and relatively sane, and he'll end up either with someone relatively pretty but a total basket case, or relatively sane but 147lbs. Would he still love me if I was fat but sane?
30-Day Challenge: Day 12
Well, I ended up not being at home alone today; A had been going to meet some friends for lunch but decided to stay home. Which was nice; we spent the afternoon drinking hot chocolate and watching Father Ted in bed. But had the mother of all arguments in the evening, which sucks.
Today's intake:
Exercise: (clutching at straws) can I count the weekly grocery shop? Those shopping carts are heavy..! Urgh I'm so lazy :(
So it was within the 500-1,000 range, but not fantastic. It's this sweet tooth bugering me up! Or rather, I'm allowing it to bugger me up. I know that I'm in control of these things, I'm just not acting like it at the moment.
Not looking forward to Wednesday's weigh-in (I'm doing bi-weekly weigh-ins as I can't go a whole week without knowing, haha!); I'm pretty sure I'll have gained back everything that I lost recently. Gianni, I do drop weight fairly quickly, but the downside is that I gain quickly, too. Every silver lining has its cloud...!
Ok enough of this moping. Here are some pretty ladies to inspire you this week! Mondays may suck for a lot of people, but they're a chance to start again and make this week better than the last.
Today's intake:
- Breakfast: nothing (0)
- Lunch: 1/2 tortilla, 1/2 tin tuna w/ 1 tsp light mayo, 1 bell pepper (110+75+12+30 = 227)
- Afternoon: Maltesers hot chocolate (100)
- Dinner: 1/2 cup rice, 1 cup homemade veg curry w/ 1/2 boiled egg (170 + 80 + 40 = 290)
- Evening: handful of maltesers (190?)
Exercise: (clutching at straws) can I count the weekly grocery shop? Those shopping carts are heavy..! Urgh I'm so lazy :(
So it was within the 500-1,000 range, but not fantastic. It's this sweet tooth bugering me up! Or rather, I'm allowing it to bugger me up. I know that I'm in control of these things, I'm just not acting like it at the moment.
Not looking forward to Wednesday's weigh-in (I'm doing bi-weekly weigh-ins as I can't go a whole week without knowing, haha!); I'm pretty sure I'll have gained back everything that I lost recently. Gianni, I do drop weight fairly quickly, but the downside is that I gain quickly, too. Every silver lining has its cloud...!
Ok enough of this moping. Here are some pretty ladies to inspire you this week! Mondays may suck for a lot of people, but they're a chance to start again and make this week better than the last.
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